You Stole My Soul, I Love You Anyway
by living-on-borrowed-crime
Summary: AU: Jane and Maura are accepted to BCU, where they meet and navigate their friendship/romance while each dealing with their own issues. Hoyt takes advantage of Jane's insecurities to draw her into his game of strategy as his newest and most worthy opponent, and Jane struggles to maintain both her secrets and her relationship with Maura. Fluff, angst, possible occasional smut.
1. Chapter 1

Jane ran up the walkway to her house, carelessly waving 'goodbye' over her shoulder to the teammate who had just dropped her off. The car pulled away as Jane threw her softball bag down on the porch, rummaging through the mess for her keys. Tuesdays were the day her mom volunteered at the soup kitchen, and Jane usually came home to an empty house, unless one of her brothers was grounded and not allowed to be out after school with their friends.

Jane finally dug her keys out from beneath all her dirty clothes and equipment and unlocked the door with one hand, grabbing the sheaf of envelopes from the mailbox with the other. Her bag got kicked aside in the hallway; she'd get it into her room before her mother came home. Or she'd forget, as usual, and get another reprimand and "What will become of you if you don't improve your housekeeping skills?" speech.

She wandered into the kitchen, grabbing a cookie from the jar on the counter. She ate standing up, rifling through the mail for anything interesting. _Bills, bills, advertisements...a letter for Frankie? Addressed in a girl's handwriting?_ She put that one aside. While she fully intended to rib Frankie over his receiving letters from girls, she had enough sympathy to protect him from their mother's prying inquiries.

The final envelope, a large, flat packet, had Jane's name printed on it. She stuffed the last of the cookie in her mouth as she scanned the envelope, eyes settling on the return address. She froze mid-chew, the cookie crumbs suddenly feeling like chalk in her mouth. She struggled to swallow, choking down the bite before allowing herself to open the envelope.

She tugged the papers loose and unfolded them, mentally preparing herself for disappointment. She'd just applied on a whim anyway, and even though the interview had gone surprisingly well, they only took, what, eight percent of applicants, and she'd already been accepted at a couple of perfectly good state schools-

Her mental rationalization died out as she read the beginning of the letter:

_Dear Ms. Rizzoli,_

_I am delighted to inform you that the Committee on Admissions has voted to offer you a place at Boston Cambridge University for this coming September. Following an old BCU tradition, a certificate of admission is enclosed. Please accept my personal congratulations for your outstanding achievements..._

The letter continued down the length of the page, but Jane just read the first paragraph over and over again. _I got in? I got accepted to _Boston Cambridge University_? One of the top universities in the country wants _me_ as a student? _

She sank down to the floor and sat there with her back against the counter, just staring at the papers in her hands. She tucked the letter behind the others in the stack; the one that emerged beneath it was her admissions certificate, with the BCU seal on top, stating in fancy language and font that she, Jane Rizzoli, was admitted to the incoming freshman class at Boston Cambridge University. She couldn't believe it. She gazed across the kitchen, shaking her head. When she had applied, it was just for the hell of it, just a "well, why not?" kind of thing. She never imagined she was somebody BCU would actually accept.

She looked down again, noticing that she was smudging the certificate with mud from her dirty hands. She wiped them uselessly on her jersey, knowing she was just moving the dirt around. She smiled disparagingly. _It's gotta be a mistake, right? People like me don't go to schools like BCU. They're all like...the classy kids of rich diplomats and businessmen, or math dorks who've got a couple of patents and have published a bunch of articles before they're even out of high school. They're not tomboys who spend more time playing sports than they do bothering to study. And they're definitely not the daughter of a plumber and a housewife who struggle to find the money for the bills, let alone thousands of dollars for a prestigious school. _

And that was the end of the matter, really. There was no way Jane could possibly attend. There was no way she could even tell her mom and dad- they'd say she had to go. They'd sacrifice everything to scrape up the money to send her there, and she couldn't do that to her family, couldn't make them give up everything so she could attend some pretentious university where she wouldn't even fit in.

She tried to convince herself that it was for the best. Getting in was accomplishment enough, right? Even if she could never tell anyone about it- people talked, and she couldn't risk the news getting back to her parents. They'd want to know why she hadn't told them, and they'd be doubly hurt that they were left out of the news, and Jane's reasoning behind it. She had to protect them from that. So getting into BCU would have to be her own private success, one she'd never get to mention to anyone.

She didn't know how long she sat there in dejected stillness, but when she heard a key turning in the lock, she bolted into action. Jumping to her feet, she frantically grabbed the envelope and stuffed the letter inside. Her eyes darted around the kitchen, searching for a place to stash it.

Her mother's voice bellowed from the hallway. "Janie! Get over here and pick up your bag! How many times do I have to tell you not to leave your things lying everywhere? You're just as bad as your brothers, I swear..."

No good hiding the letter in the kitchen- her mother knew the room inside out, and she'd find it for sure before Jane could surreptitiously sneak it out. Gritting her teeth as Angela's footsteps approached the room, Jane stuffed the envelope down the back of her softball shorts. She'd just have to be careful how she moved until she could get out from under her mother's eye.

Angela stomped into the kitchen, scowling. "Jane Clementine Rizzoli, you get in there and clean- " She broke off at the sight of Jane, her face instantly morphing from anger to concern. "Honey, what happened to you? Is that a bruise on your arm?" She crossed the kitchen, reaching out toward Jane's right side.

Jane twisted her arm around so she could get a look at it. Yup, there was a large bruise there- it must've happened when she was sliding into third base and collided with her teammate.

She tried to brush off her mother's concern. "It's nothing, Ma, just a little bump from practice. Don't worry about it."

Angela's brow furrowed even further. "You're always getting hurt, Janie! I worry about you. You're my little girl, and I just have to sit by and watch while you do these dangerous things..." She moved in, trying to wrap her daughter up in a protective hug.

Jane hastily backed up out of her mother's reach, conscious of the admissions letter sitting against her lower back. She couldn't let her mother feel it- she'd insist on knowing what Jane was hiding from her. But she was also liable to make a federal case out of Jane's injury and lack of affection if Jane didn't do something to distract her. Jane spotted the envelope she'd set aside for Frankie. Ignoring the twinge of guilt, she decided to throw Frankie under the bus. If he knew, he'd understand that she had to protect their parents over him this time.

"Hey, Ma," she said, cutting Angela off before she could begin her lament over Jane's unwillingness to be showered with physical affection, "Do you know if Frankie was expecting a letter? Something came in the mail for him today, but I'm not sure who it's from." She grabbed the envelope from the counter and casually held it out to her mother.

Angela took it, starting to brush the issue aside. "It's probably just a bill for your father. They get their names mixed up sometimes- " Then she looked down at the envelope, and her eyes widened at the handwriting. The bubbly script and "i"s dotted with little circles definitely screamed "teenage girl".

"This came in the mail?" she asked.

Jane tried to suppress her grin of relief- her distraction had worked; Angela was definitely intrigued.

"Yeah. Why? You know who it's from?"

Angela held the letter up to the light, squinting at it. "No. Who could be writing to him? Is he hanging around with any girls at school? What have you seen?"

Laughter sounded outside the window, along with the _thud, thud, thud_ of a basketball being dribbled. Jane grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge as she nodded towards the noise outside the house. "I haven't noticed anything, but here come the boys now. You can ask him all about it while I go put away my softball bag." Solidifying her escape, she added, "I've got a lot of dirty practice clothes- I'll throw in the next load of laundry, ok?" And she gave Angela a quick kiss on the cheek and backed up out of the kitchen, retreating to her room to hide the letter away from her mother's eagle eyes.

* * *

Once Jane had gotten the laundry started, she flopped down on her bed and took out the letter again to look at. She rubbed the edge of the paper absentmindedly with her finger as she read it.

It was weird to see her name written there on the same sheet of paper as that legendary school seal. She flipped through the other pages in the envelope. In addition to the letter and certificate, there was also a form requesting that she accept or decline their offer. She felt the heat rise in her face- that paper had gotten smudged with mud too, and even wrinkled a little from when she unceremoniously shoved it down the back of her pants. She couldn't very well mail it back in to BCU in that condition. No need to make herself out to be even more unsophisticated than she already was. She'd have to call to decline- and probably better sooner than later so that some other kid could get their news that a spot had opened up. She wondered why that other student hadn't gotten this letter in the first place- what had made them choose _her_? Had they mixed up her SAT scores, misread her list of extracurriculars? Or maybe her admissions essay was just read by some kook who'd taken an odd liking to her.

She shrugged to herself. It didn't really matter, did it? She wasn't going- she'd find herself at some other school come September, surrounded by people more on par with herself, rather than being the lone "average" kid, the one surrounded by a bunch of geniuses who'd sense that she was some kind of mistake. It was better this way.

And yet, she knew she'd hold onto the letter- hidden away, for her eyes only- but she'd always have this reminder that _someone_ out there thought she, Jane Rizzoli, actually belonged at BCU.

* * *

During her free period the next day, Jane asked the librarian for a hall pass, and went in search of the school's payphone. She knew she wouldn't be able to count on any alone time at home to make the call, and she wanted to get it over with anyway. Calling BCU to _decline_- how many people did that?

She lifted the receiver and dropped her quarter into the slot, then dialed the number listed in her admissions packet. The halls were empty, but she nervously looked over her shoulder anyway, and after she heard the cheery "BCU, Admissions Office, Marina speaking, how may I help you?" she hunched into the phone to keep her voice from carrying down the hallway.

"Umm, hi Marina. My name is Jane- Jane Rizzoli- and I received an acceptance letter from BCU in the mail yesterday- "

Marina interrupted with a hearty, "Congratulations! Your parents must be so proud!"

Jane closed her eyes briefly, feeling the sadness sitting like a weight in the middle of her chest. Her parents would be proud of her, and she wished she could tell them. She wanted more than anything for them to be able to know that they'd raised a daughter who could get accepted into one of the country's top schools. But with that pride would come either years of sacrifice to send her there, or a lifetime of guilt that they couldn't afford for her to take advantage of the opportunity.

Realizing that she'd let the silence on the phone go on for an awkwardly long time, Jane gritted her teeth and continued. "Uh, yeah. Well, anyway, I just wanted to let you know, I- I have to decline. So...I guess you can let the next person on the list know they're in."

There was a pause, "Oh, well, Jane, I'm sorry to hear that." The perkiness in Marina's voice had faded- she really _did _manage to sound like she was honestly sorry about the news.

_Geez,_ thought Jane, _Even the office staff is talented. _She wasn't sure what the right response was- probably something like, "Thanks for your time, take care now", but she wasn't quite ready to hang up and sever her connection with BCU completely. She stalled, wanting just another moment before closing the door on that world. "So, um...I guess you don't get very many people declining, huh?" She grimaced, wishing she could take back her words. _Could you sound less articulate if you tried? _

"We do hear a lot of 'yeses', of course. But there are many good schools out there, and unfortunately for us, some of our acceptees do decide they would be better suited at another institution. Which school are you turning us down for, Jane? MIT? Yale? Or perhaps even a university overseas?" Marina's voice was friendly- she seemed genuinely curious, not judgmental that Jane might select another option over BCU.

_Can you imagine, having to choose between _which _top-tier hoity-toity university to attend? I'd love to come from a world where that's the biggest college decision problem instead of 'which college won't put my parents in debt for the rest of their natural-born lives?'_

She was embarrassed. "I haven't decided yet. One of the state schools, I guess. Probably UMass Amherst." Her words came out in a mumbled rush, as though she could somehow slip the content of her answer past Marina.

After a beat, Marina responded, her wording delicate. "We do have some great state schools here in Massachusetts, Jane. UMass Amherst is generally a good choice. But...the education and opportunities you'd receive there just aren't comparable to the ones available to you at BCU. I don't mean to put you on the spot, but may I ask what's guiding your decision? You're clearly a bright and ambitious student, to have been offered a place here- I wonder if you might like some additional time to think over your choice?"

Jane felt the uncomfortable prickling of tears welling in her eyes. She could feel the dream of attending BCU dangling tauntingly in front of her, just out of reach. She was tempted to just agree that she needed more time to think, but that would just be prolonging the inevitable. She wasn't usually ashamed or secretive about the amount of money her family had, but she also wasn't usually talking to a woman who spent her life surrounded by wealthy professors and students whose BCU tuition wouldn't put a dent in their family's yearly income. Still, better to suck it up and be straightforward.

"There's no way my family can afford the tuition." The words came out more gruffly than she had intended. She didn't want to seem ungrateful or angry towards a woman who was just trying to help, and she tried to take the defensiveness out of her voice as she continued, "I know my parents would love for me to go to BCU- and I'd love to go- but it just wouldn't be right for me to ask my family to make that sacrifice for me."

Marina's earlier enthusiasm came back in full force, "Has anyone gone over financial aid information with you? One of our goals is for every deserving student to be able to attend BCU regardless of income."

"I didn't know that." Jane doubted it would make much of a difference- unless BCU was willing to fork over $50,000 a year towards her tuition, it wasn't going to be enough to justify turning down a practically free education at a different school.

"Oh, yes! Students from low-income families are eligible to receive full financial aid- any net income below $65,000 a year would qualify you for that complete assistance. And then there's a sliding scale of expected contribution for families whose income is between that amount and $150,000 a year. Now, even if your family has a higher income than that, you may still qualify for some assistance if you're facing unusual financial circumstances..."

Marina was still talking about the various options, but Jane was no longer focusing. The first thought she was struck with was _Shit, $65,000 a year is considered 'low-income'? What are we then, living in abject poverty?_

"Wait, wait." She interrupted Marina's speech. "Are you saying that if my family makes less than $65,000 a year, I could go to BCU for _free_?"

"Yes. There are forms you'll have to fill out, of course, but we can mail those to you and get the process started."

Jane felt her mouth gape open, but no words came out.

Marina gave her a moment in silence, waiting for her to respond. When Jane still didn't say anything, she seemed to sense that she was too overwhelmed to speak and continued, prompting, "Jane? Why don't you give me your address? I'll put the financial aid application in the mail today, and once you fill it out we can confirm your aid officially. In the meantime...may I take it that we can put you down as a conditional 'yes' for accepting your place here?"

Jane found her voice, saying, "I...yeah. Yeah, you can." She felt a smile start to take over her face. _I'm saying 'yes' to BCU right now. I'm going to BCU. _Still dumbfounded, she managed to scrape together a few words that couldn't come close to expressing the flood of emotions she was feeling. "Marina- thank you. Thank you so much."

"My pleasure, dear. Congratulations again, and welcome to BCU!"


	2. Chapter 2

Maura glanced up- yet again- from the biology textbook that was lying open next to her lunch tray to sneak a quick look out the windows of the dining hall. She was finally rewarded with the sight she had been so anxiously waiting for all afternoon; the yellow La Poste truck was making its way up the the gravel drive on the path towards La Maison Locard, where the school's mail center was located. She tried to direct her attention back to her textbook- the mail wouldn't get unloaded and sorted for another twenty minutes at least; she should continue to make use of her time to study.

Although she usually had no difficulties concentrating on what she was reading, even amidst the chatter from the other girls that always kept the volume in the dining hall high during meals, Maura finally had to close her book and admit defeat. She'd read the same paragraph at least five times, and her brain was simply not processing the material.

She pursed her lips, annoyed with herself. Allowing nerves to shut down her ability to function in this situation was unreasonable. Unlike Schrödinger's cat, the decision of whether or not she had been accepted was already determined; her opening of the letter containing the news would do nothing to change what that news would be. Preoccupying herself with worries during her wait was simply a waste of her time and energy. And besides, her intelligence wasn't tied up in the result. She was smart and capable and she knew logically that she would have a bright future regardless of whether Boston Cambridge University accepted her. She didn't want to admit- even to herself- how much she wanted them to want her.

Maura looked up at the clock mounted on the wall. Ten minutes had passed since the mail truck's arrival. She decided she could justify excusing herself now, if she made her way slowly to the mailroom.

She cleared her tray, noting guiltily how much of her tofu salad she was wasting. She tried to keep her manner nonchalant and unhurried as she gathered her books and exited the dining hall, hoping none of the other students would take note of her or connect the dots between the arrival of the mail and her departure mid-meal. They usually left Maura alone, silently and somewhat admiringly accepting her intelligence and quirky fact-sharing habits in the classroom, and mostly ignoring her existence outside of academic hours. But gossip of any kind was too good to pass up in a small school, and if she appeared too eager about her letter, and then got rejected, her failure would be the talk of the school.

When she reached the mailroom, she paused for one final moment to collect herself before reaching for the knob and entering. As she shut the door quietly behind her, the mailroom attendant, an older woman named Lucille who presided over many of the office duties at the school, greeted Maura.

"Bonjour, Maura. Comment ça va? Attends-tú un lettre?"

"Ça va." Maura switched to English, conscious that Lucille wasn't as comfortable in her non-native language as the students were. "I realize the mail's only just arrived for the day and you haven't had the chance to finish sorting through it yet, but I wondered if you'd come across anything for me."

"Hmm, yes..." Lucille murmured, "I'm pretty sure I saw an envelope with your name on it..." She rifled through the filebox on her desk. "Ah, here we go!" She plucked out a packet from the "I"s, handing it to Maura. "Looks like a college letter!"

Maura reached out for the envelope, feeling slightly light-headed as she took it in her hands. Confirming with a glance at the return address, she said, "Yes, it is." She paused a moment, running through the statistics in her mind. According to her best calculations, there was roughly an 8.27% chance that the letter contained good news, given the general acceptance rate, adjusted slightly in her favor for being a female student with an interest in science, and slightly against her for applying to an American university from an international high school.

It was no good putting it off any longer- she bit her lip and carefully opened the seal on the envelope, sliding a thin stack of papers out. She read cautiously, not wanting to risk any mistake in her interpretation of the contents. Her eyes closed briefly after she finished, and she slowly released the breath she'd been holding. She wasn't inclined to effusive displays of excitement, particularly about her accomplishments, but she felt a small smile creep onto her face. She was in. BCU had accepted her. Here was tangible proof that her efforts had paid off.

Maura found herself longing to tell someone, wanting to share the news, wanting someone to be happy along with her. Her mind flashed through the names of her classmates- but she couldn't very well go randomly bragging to any of them. She'd sound full of herself. One of her teachers, perhaps? But she didn't want to bother them; they surely had better things to do than drop their work to celebrate someone else's success. She allowed herself to contemplate calling her mother for only a second before dismissing the notion. Whatever Constance's reaction would be- and who could predict how an interaction with her mother would go on any given day?- it surely wouldn't be the response Maura was hoping for. It never was.

Lucille had done her best to give Maura time alone to open the envelope, deliberately busying herself with paperwork behind her desk, but she looked up furtively after a moment to assess whether it had been good news. It was so difficult to tell with Maura- she wasn't given to emotional outpourings the way many of the other teenage students were. She currently appeared lost in thought, and Lucille couldn't tell whether the lack of a display of excitement was due to bad news, or simply Maura's demeanor. Whether the letter had contained an acceptance or a rejection, Lucille's heart went out to Maura, and the detached manner with which she interacted with the world.

Maura noticed Lucille's glances toward her, and the words came out before Maura had a chance to overthink whether the woman would have any interest in Maura's news. "I got in." Her voice came out tentatively, and she looked down at the floor, unsure as to whether she should have volunteered the information. _Now she'll have to pretend to be interested- I should have just kept it to myself._

"Congratulations!" Lucille bustled out from behind her desk to wrap a startled Maura up in a hug. "Which school?"

"Oh!" Maura laughed, surprised at the enthusiastic display of tenderness. "Boston Cambridge University, actually. In the States." Although she was unsure of how to respond to the hug, she felt a warmth in her chest from the genuine gesture of affection, and she allowed a bit of her pleasure to shine through on her face.

Lucille left off hugging her and backed off a step so she could make eye contact with Maura. She grasped her shoulders, looking at her with pride. "BCU? Maura, you got into _BCU?_ Oh, honey, that's so exciting! What an accomplishment!" She beamed at Maura for a minute, shaking her head in stunned admiration, then burst into motion suddenly.

"Oh, goodness- here I am taking up your time just looking at you, when I'm sure all you want to do is share the exciting news with your parents! They're going to be so very proud of you, Maura." She beckoned Maura behind the desk, pushing the phone towards her. "Here, you can call them right now to let them know!"

Maura's heart dropped slightly as she found herself behind the desk, phone in hand. She tried to offer it back to Lucille, explaining, "Oh, no, I couldn't, my mother's out of the country right now, I'll just write to her."

"Don't be silly! You don't want to wait to deliver news like this. Lord knows this school charges enough in tuition for you to be able to make an overseas call under these circumstances." She cut off Maura's protests. "No, no, I won't have any excuses. If my daughter didn't call me immediately with news like this, I'd never forgive her. You take as much time as you like, and I'll just be in the back room getting these put away." She grabbed the filebox and left the room, leaving Maura staring at the receiver still in her hand.

Dread twisted in her stomach. She tried to convince herself that it might go well- even her mother would be pleased to hear that her daughter had gotten into one of the top schools in the world. _Maybe she'll be having a good day today. I haven't heard from her in a few weeks- perhaps that means work is going well and we'll be able to have a pleasant conversation. _It was unlikely. A better hope was that she wouldn't answer at all.

She dialed the number for the apartment her mother kept in London. It rang once, twice, three times... Maura tensed. One more ring and she would reach the answering machine...but then she heard a breathless, "Hello?" come from the other end.

"Hello, Mother." Maura tried to keep disappointment from creeping into her voice; the last thing she needed was to upset her mother right off the bat by seeming like she didn't want to speak to her.

"Maura, my darling, it's been _ages_ since I've heard from you! Why don't you ever make time to speak with me?"

Maura knew the futility of pointing out that Constance hadn't contacted her either. It was better just to apologize, and she started in, "I'm - "

Her mother talked over her. "I've been so lonely without you, Maura, I've had so much news and you can't be bothered to call me...couldn't you try to pretend that you love me?"

Maura wanted to interrupt and explain that this was exactly why she hadn't called recently, and besides, the last several times she had tried, Constance hadn't answered the phone or called her back- too busy out living her hectic life to make time for her daughter, or too depressed to pick up the phone- Maura hadn't been able to guess which, but both possibilities concerned her.

She bit back her anger in her desire to keep the peace. "I'm sorry, Mother. Of course I love you; I don't have to pretend. I'll call more often, I promise. And actually, I have- "

"Oh, wonderful, Maura, you really must. And we'll have you visit over spring break, that must be coming up, isn't it? I'll book you a flight to Rome this evening."

Maura frowned. "To Rome? Are you going on vacation?" Constance had started showing at a new gallery in London only a month or two ago; she really shouldn't already be taking weeklong trips away.

"Maura, if you called your poor mother more often, you'd know already. I have an installation beginning at a gallery in Rome next week! It's absolutely the opportunity of a lifetime, the perfect environment and clientele, and I'm terribly excited."

"But what about the gallery in London? You've hardly been there any time at all, and you'd said it was going wonderfully."

Maura heard Constance huff into the phone. "I quit a fortnight ago and pulled my artwork out. Too many differences with the owner- he didn't understand how I work, or appreciate my creative process. This new place in Rome is far better, and the owner is so well-respected, and oh, extremely handsome- all Italian men are; I am so thrilled at the prospect of going back."

As usual, Maura struggled to keep up with her mother's rapid speech- which was fitting, as Constance lived her life much the same way, jumping from job to job, man to man, her initial elation with new opportunities fading rapidly into exasperation or boredom. It was a bad sign that this last position seemed to have lasted only a few weeks- that meant it had probably ended in a blowout, with Constance storming out in a manner far from the dignified and collected image she tried to maintain.

Maura really didn't want to know what had happened, and anyway, she couldn't stay on the phone in the office forever. Best to distract Constance with the reason she had called.

"I have news too, Mother. I received my letter from Boston Cambridge University. I was accepted." Maura felt the world hang in limbo for a beat, waiting for things to come crashing down around her.

"Well, of course you were, my dear. You're very bright, they wouldn't reject someone like you. But you're not _going,_ of course- you'll hear back from Oxford and Cambridge soon, isn't that right? Or you could go to École Normale Supérieure de Paris if you wanted to stay in France- it doesn't have quite the esteem of the British universities, but it is an excellent choice nonetheless."

Maura felt her heart race. She hadn't even applied to Oxford or Cambridge, hadn't given any consideration to actually staying in Europe, trapped in her mother's web. She had put in an application to École Normale Supérieure de Paris, but only because an admissions representative had come to speak at Maura's boarding school.

Panic was rising in her chest, and she fought to keep her breathing even. It wouldn't do to hyperventilate and experience an episode of vasovagal syncope right in the office, causing a scene. And all over an acceptance to BCU. Why couldn't Constance just be happy for her for once?

She spoke carefully. "Mother, it's Boston Cambridge University- I couldn't possibly decline. It's a wonderful opportunity, and I'd like the chance to go back to Boston."

There was a pause on the other end of the line, just a second or two, but it felt excruciatingly long to Maura as she waited for the fallout of her assertion. Sure enough, when Constance began speaking, Maura could hear the sniffling, the anguish dramatized in her voice.

"Maura, have I been that horrible a mother, that you must go all the way to America to escape from me? I know I've been difficult sometimes, but I didn't realize our relationship meant so little to you! You wouldn't leave me for a _school_, Maura, my darling, would you? What will I do without you? Please, stay, for me, it would mean so much!"

Maura's heart sank. This decision should have been about her, her future, her chance to branch out. Instead, it was becoming about her mother. As usual. She felt her jaw clench in anger, and tears of frustration welled in her eyes. Wouldn't any other mother simply congratulate her daughter, celebrate with her, and speculate excitedly about what her new life would be like, all the opportunities it would open up?

_But what if I'm being selfish?_ The quiet voice in Maura's head spoke up, the one that always lead her to forgive, to sacrifice, especially when it came to Constance. _Maybe she's right- how will she do with me so far away? I won't be there when she needs me. A good daughter would stay._

_But it just isn't fair! _Another part of Maura longed to create her own life, away from the burdens Constance placed on her. _She's the adult- shouldn't she be responsible for me, not the other way around? I don't want to always give up my dreams because I always have to worry about what she'll do, what will happen to her, if I don't give in to what she wants. _

There was no real doubt in Maura's mind that she wanted to attend BCU come the fall, no matter how consuming the guilt over neglecting her mother's needs might be. But she was afraid that if she let the conversation go on any longer, her resolve would weaken, and she would find herself making promises she'd regret for the rest of her life.

"I'm on the school's office phone...I really should be getting off; I have class starting in a few minutes." In an act that sapped much of her emotional energy, she cut off the protests her mother was starting in on. "I love you, Mother. We'll talk soon. À bientôt." She rested the receiver gently down onto its base.

Maura was still holding the envelope from BCU, and she once again focused her attention on it. She rifled through the papers they'd sent, locating the sheet that requested her response. _Please check here and sign if you wish to accept your place at Boston Cambridge University for the upcoming fall semester. _

The bell rang, signalling the impending start of her next class. It registered dimly in her mind as she removed a pen from her purse. Hesitating only a second, she made her check mark and signed her name. She re-folded the paper, placed it in the postmarked envelope BCU had enclosed, and dropped it in the outgoing mail bin.

Maura gathered her books and exited the office, heading towards her next class. She felt sick with dread over her bold course of action, but she couldn't deny the simultaneous sense of relief that she felt over having made her decision. She felt strengthened by her direct defiance of the force that had ruled her life for eighteen years, and she made her way down the hall with an unfamiliar assertiveness in her stride and posture. She was ready to live _her_ life for the first time.


	3. Chapter 3

"Frank! Be careful! You're bumping the suitcase on every stair! You have to carry it, or you're going to break it!"

The BCU move-in date occurred during the first week of September. In a typical display of Boston weather, the temperature had climbed back into the upper 80s after a relatively comfortable August, and the humidity made it seem all the more unbearable.

Jane's father paused, resting the suitcase on the landing of the staircase as he wiped sweat from his brow. He looked up at his wife, who was staring down from the next floor, hands on hips.

"Ange, take it easy. It's just a suitcase. It's too heavy to lift all the way up four flights of stairs."

Angela glowered. "It's our best suitcase! Stop whining, it can't be _that_ heavy; Frankie lifted it out of the car just fine. Hurry up, come on, come on! We're supposed to get Janie settled in by two so she can be at the new student reception at two-thirty."

Frank grunted and lifted the suitcase again, starting up the final flight. "I don't see you helping out, Angela. Maybe if you carried something instead of just bossing the rest of us around, you wouldn't be so quick to yell at me."

Jane reached the landing behind her father, carrying a box of her own. Desperate to cut off the fight, she interrupted, hissing, "Ma! Pop! _Please_. Do you have to make a scene?"

Angela sighed. "I just want everything to be perfect. Your first day at BCU!" As Jane reached the top of the stairs, Angela wrapped her arms around her daughter's shoulders, kissing her on the cheek.

"Ma, can you at least let me put this box down first?"

Angela let go of her. "Fine, fine. Which room is yours?"

"Umm..." Jane propped half the box on the stair rail, freeing up one hand to rummage in her back pocket for the keychain she'd been given with her room number on it, but she came up empty. "I think one of the boys ended up with my keys."

"Frankie? Tommy?" Angela bellowed down the stairwell. "Quit fooling around and get up here! Can't you help out to make sure your sister's big day goes well?"

Jane noticed a few head turns from other parents and students in the hall. _Day One, and the loud and boorish Rizzoli family is already making a scene._ She lowered her own voice to a stage whisper, as if that could counteract Angela's volume. "Ma, c'mon, keep it down! They'll be up in a sec. I'm pretty sure it was Room 47. Can we just look for it- _quietly_- while we wait?"

Frank Sr. had been bumping the suitcase down the hall while Angela and Jane were talking. He stopped outside a door near the end and called to his wife and daughter, "I found it."

Angela craned her neck down the hall. "You did? Are you sure?"

"Well, it says '47', doesn't it?"

"I don't know, Frank, _you're _the one standing there," Angela huffed.

As Frankie and Tommy appeared on the final flight of stairs, each staggering under the weight of one of Jane's boxes, Jane hefted her own back up off the rail and headed down the hall towards her father. _Let's at least get them all into my room- better to only embarrass myself in front of my roommate instead of the entire dorm building._

"Guys, c'mon," she called over her shoulder, "Tommy, you have my key, right?"

"Umm, yeah, I think it's here somewhere..."

Before Tommy had a chance to put his box down and look for the keychain, the door to room 47 opened, revealing a curly blonde-haired girl.

"Oh my gosh, hi!" Her voice was high-pitched, and her face radiated excitement.

_She looks like one of the cheerleaders from high school. Not exactly what I expected to find here, _Jane thought. "Uh, hi!" She tried to put a matching expression of enthusiasm on her face, but it came out as a half-smile, half-grimace.

The girl didn't seem to notice. Still standing in the doorframe, with the entire Rizzoli family peering around Jane at her, she went on, "I'm Lydia! I'm your new roommate?"

_Oh, geez. _Jane groaned inwardly. _She's one of those always-sounds-like-she's-asking-a-question girls._

Keeping the fake smile plastered on her face- no need to show her irritation with the girl she'd be living with for a year on their very first day- she introduced herself, "I'm Jane!"

She was annoyed with the way her voice had come out practically matching Lydia's in tone and pitch- apparently, perkiness was catching- and she cleared her throat and tried again, "Yeah, I'm going to be living here too, so that does make us roommates."

Lydia beamed back at her.

"So...could we maybe come in?" Jane prompted.

"Oh! Of course." Lydia moved back from the door, "Sorry, I got so excited to meet you, I forgot to let you in!" She giggled.

The Rizzolis trooped into the common room, putting down the boxes and luggage amidst the ones already there, and everyone stood around awkwardly. Jane gestured at each member of her family in turn. "Lydia, this is my mom and dad, Angela and Frank. And my brothers, Frankie and Tommy." She noticed Tommy gaping at Lydia, and gave him a sharp hit to the side with her elbow. He straightened up and lifted his eyes away from her new roommate's chest. "Sorry," Jane apologized to Lydia. "He's just starting high school."

"So!" Angela said, her voice chipper, "What a nice room!" She looked around, and Jane followed her gaze. It wasn't awful, but she'd expected better from a school whose tuition matched its ranking as one of the highest in the country.

"Did your parents drop you off already?" Angela asked Lydia.

"Oh! My mom had a headache this morning, so she stayed home. My dad picked me up instead and brought me over, but he left a little while ago to go to the alumni lunch...he used to go here, like, a million years ago."

"Well, isn't that nice, that your father could be a role model for you!" Angela gave a pointed glance sideways at her husband.

_Yeah, and it explains what she's doing here,_ thought Jane. _A legacy student. I wonder if she'll actually go to classes, or if she'll just go shopping all the time._

Angela walked over to the other door off the common room and opened it, revealing a closet-sized bedroom that someone had managed to jam three beds into. Jane wandered in, noting the pink fluffy bedspread on the single bed, and the set of unmade bunkbeds remaining.

"I hope it's ok that I took that one." Lydia had followed in behind Jane like a puppy. "Heights make me dizzy, and cramped spaces make me nervous, like I'm in a cave or something, you know?" She shuddered.

"Yeah, it's fine." Jane placed her backpack on the bottom bunk. "So we have a third roommate? Have you met her yet, or are all those boxes out there yours?" She jerked her thumb toward the common room.

Lydia giggled yet again. "Well, I do have a lot of clothes- I just love shopping!"

_Called it,_ Jane thought.

" -but the boxes out there aren't _all_ mine. Our other roommate was here earlier, but she just dropped off her stuff and went to the room next door to hang out with some boy she met at orientation."

Frank Sr. finally spoke up, emerging in the doorway from the common room. "This dorm is co-ed? That's hardly appropriate."

Angela swatted at his arm. "Oh, calm down, it's not like they'll be sharing showers. Things are more progressive now than when we were kids."

Frank didn't look convinced. "I just don't want our daughter living right next to boys. It's a bad situation. Look at this other roommate of hers, already spending time in a boy's room on the first day of college. Jane, you gotta be careful. You know better, right?"

"Of _course_ she does, Frank!" Angela answered for Jane. "Our daughter got herself into the best college in the country, and you think she doesn't know how to behave around boys? And anyway, I'm sure all the guys around here are perfect gentlemen. She'll find herself a nice, polite, smart boyfriend before we know it."

Jane groaned, exasperated. "Ma, I'm not here to find a boyfriend, ok? Pop, I'm sure everything will be fine. I'll be careful, I promise." She turned back to Lydia, hoping to steer the conversation in a better direction. "So what's she like, our other roommate?"

Lydia giggled nervously, "Her name is Riley, and she's really like..._cool_." She dropped her voice down. "She's even got _tattoos_!"

Jane raised her eyebrows. _So I'm going to be living with a ditz and a rebel. It's going to be an interesting year. _

"She's only 18, and she's got tattoos?" Frank was horrified. "What kind of girl is this? Janie, she sounds like a bad influence. Maybe we should request a different room for you."

Frankie patted his father on the shoulder. "Chill out, Pop. She sounds cool. And you don't need to worry about Jane. She's not gonna run out and get a tattoo because her new roommate has one. You know she's more independent than that."

Jane shot her brother a grateful smile before addressing her family. "Ok, so you've seen my room, met my roommate...let's go downstairs so I can see you off."

"Already, Jane?" Angela sounded hurt. "But we haven't unpacked and gotten your room set up yet! Don't you want help settling in?"

"No, Ma, it's ok. It'll be easier if Lydia and Riley and I are all here when we arrange things. I'll be fine, all right? Besides- " She checked her watch. "I've got to get to that new student meeting in an hour, and it'll probably take you that long to say goodbye."

"Are you sure, Jane?" Angela looked longingly around the room.

"Yeah, I'm sure. C'mon, let's go." She rounded up her family and herded them towards the door. "I'll see you in a little while, Lydia."

Tommy was the last one out the door before Jane, and he paused, turning back to wave at Lydia. "Bye! It sure was nice to meet you. I hope I'll see you again soon."

Lydia smiled shyly at the floor. "Bye, Tommy. It was nice to meet you, too."

Jane rolled her eyes and shoved her little brother the rest of the way out of the room, closing the door behind them. "When did you turn into such a gentleman, huh? Don't you even think about flirting with my roommate."

She ignored his protests as they made their way down the stairs and out into the yard, where dozens of families and students were milling around. They formed a small circle near the front entrance of the building. Jane prepared herself for what was about to unfold- if her "going away for a week to summer camp" send-offs were any indication, this was going to be a full-on spectacle.

Her father hugged her goodbye first. He held onto her shoulders for a moment before letting her go, just looking her in the eye. "You study hard, Jane, ok? You earned your place here, and you're gonna do real great, I know it. You've already opened up more opportunities for yourself than I ever could, and I want to see you make the most out of this place."

"I'll do my best, Pop," Jane promised. A small trickle of doubt seeped into her mind- what if her best wasn't good enough? Her father wanted so much for her- what if she couldn't live up to it, what if even the best education out there couldn't prepare her to make use of the opportunities in front of her?

The doubts were temporarily set aside as Angela swooped in, smothering her in a hug. Jane squeezed back for a few seconds before she had to disengage herself. "Ma, let go, I can't breathe!" She squirmed away.

"Let me hug my baby one last time!" Angela begged.

"Take it easy, Ma, she's not going off to war," Frankie interjected. "We live twenty minutes away. You'll see her all the time."

"I- I- " Angela began sobbing silently, clinging to Jane.

Jane patted her back awkwardly, simultaneously embarrassed at the overt display of emotion among the rest of the families whose goodbyes seemed much more civilized, and also saddened by how upset her mother must be feeling.

"Shh, Ma, it's okay, what's the matter? Frankie's right, I'm not gonna be far away."

Angela released her, still heaving with sobs, and motioned in the air for a pen. Jane rooted through her mother's purse, pulling out a pen and notepad for Angela. Her mother scribbled for a second, then handed the notepad over to Jane.

"I'm just so proud of you," Jane read. "Aww, Ma, it's just college, ok? You don't need to make this big a deal out of it."

Angela took a few deep breaths, calming herself enough to speak, although tears still streamed down her face.

"Jane, don't you downplay this. You're starting your first day at _BCU_. Of course I'm proud of you, sweetie." She grabbed Jane's face in both hands and planted a kiss on her cheek. "And I love you _so_ much."

Embarrassed, Jane wiped the kiss away, but she said, "I love you too, Ma." She gave her another quick hug before moving on to her brothers. "You two behave while I'm gone. And Frankie, you keep an eye on Tommy, ok?"

Frankie nodded and Tommy said, "I don't need someone baby-sitting- aagggh." Jane cut him off as she wrapped an arm around each of her brothers, pulling them in tight. She whispered, "I'll miss you guys. Look after Ma and Pop for me. And don't give them any trouble."

She let them go, and took a last look at her family standing before her. Her mother's eyes were still red with tears, but Jane could see the pride shining through on her face. Even her father seemed to have a few tears welling in his eyes.

As excited as she was to be at BCU, the goodbye tugged on her heartstrings a little as she waved and walked back into her new dorm on her own, away from the people who had always been there, loving and supporting her no matter what.


	4. Chapter 4

Maura stepped cautiously off the Metro- _no, the T, _she reminded herself, _you're back in Boston now-_ pulling her suitcase behind her. She walked toward the exit, noting in confusion that there were two options. Which would allow her to orient herself properly on the step-by-step instructions she had meticulously prepared for her long journey from her mother's apartment in Rome to her new dorm room at BCU?

After what had felt like an unusually long summer between graduation and college of living under the same roof as her mother, Maura had almost been relieved that Constance had a work commitment that she "couldn't possibly miss, darling, you understand", and didn't accompany her off to college. Almost.

Since she would be making the trip alone, and shared neither Constance's penchant for spontaneity nor her willingness to take chances and rely on the assumption that everything would work itself out in the end, Maura had reviewed her itinerary painstakingly. She left no room for guesswork amongst her neatly printed instructions, gate numbers, transfer times, and map through the BCU campus.

Except for the multiple subway exits.

She mentally reviewed the map of the Boston T system. Her train should have been coming from the southeast, and if the train had been travelling leftwards in comparison to her current position when she got off of it, that would make the exit in front of her northeast, and the one behind her southwest- but was the campus located to the north of the subway line, or-

She was shoved roughly as a man made his way out of the turnstile behind her, muttering. "Jesus, lady, get outta the way. Can't you just pick a direction and _move_ instead of standing there contemplating it all fucking day? Some people have places that they actually wanna get to some time this century."

Maura took note of the direction he headed in, and chose the opposite. She emerged from the escalator to find herself right in front of the famous gates that marked the entrance to the BCU campus.

She had to stop for a moment to catch her breath. She'd known for months now that this was her future, but now she was finally _here_, and the reality of it hit her again like it had when she first received the news.

The moment was broken when she was jostled yet again by a harried pedestrian on his way past her. She took up her bag again, and moved along with the throng of strangers through the gates, taking her first steps into her dream school.

* * *

Once she was in the college yard, she had found a place to step aside. She consulted her map, despite the fact that she had the path to the Admissions Office, where she was to pick up her room key, ingrained in her memory.

From there, she had made her way towards Walden Hall, her assigned dormitory. The yard was large, and the multitudes of people disorienting, so she stopped between two possible buildings, trying to determine which was Walden.

There were dozens of families standing around in various stages of student drop-offs. Some were, like Maura, still roaming around trying to figure out where they belonged; many were shuttling boxes from cars to dorm rooms; and others were saying their goodbyes. As she peered toward the entrance of the larger of her two building options, looking for a sign somewhere on the building that would give its name, one family in particular caught her attention.

It was the demonstrativeness she noticed first, the ease with which they incorporated touch into their communication. The father had his hands on his daughter's shoulders as they spoke seriously, looking into each others' eyes.

When he let go, the girl's mother swept her daughter up tight in her arms. Maura found herself recoiling slightly, startled, as though she herself were on the receiving end of the fierce embrace.

Recovering from her surprise, she cocked her head and studied the girl clasped tightly in her mother's arms. She was tall, with exquisite long bones and the muscle composition of an athlete, Maura noted. As she watched, she felt a small constriction in her chest, and wondered briefly if it was related to her admiration of the girl's physique, or her envy of the the affection she was receiving from her family.

The girl eventually wriggled out of her mother's grasp, but she didn't go far- when the woman began sobbing, the girl rubbed her back and the two boys- her brothers?- reached in to offer gestures of comfort as well.

Maura was riveted- the family moved naturally with each other, knowing instinctively where and when to place their touches. They looked so comfortable, so loving.

Maura was suddenly self-conscious of the way she stood alone, one hand clutching her suitcase handle, the other having fallen to her side, the campus map loosely in her grasp. She shouldn't stare, shouldn't intrude on the family's private moment.

She tore her gaze away and scanned the building in front of her. No visible name. She lifted her map again, frustrated, as she struggled to locate herself among the many buildings and winding paths. When she looked up again a few moments later, resigned to the fact that she was going to have to ask for confirmation inside the building, she caught sight of the girl waving goodbye to her family, looking over her shoulder at them until the last second before she entered the dormitory.

Maura gathered her belongings and headed towards the door herself. She didn't intend to eavesdrop, but she couldn't help slowing her pace slightly to catch the family's conversation in the wake of their daughter's departure. The mother still had tears coursing down her face, and for a moment, Maura wondered if perhaps she and Constance were a bit alike after all, experiencing their emotions too intensely, interpreting other people's actions as personal betrayal.

One of the boys gave his mother an affectionate pat on the back. "You're still crying, Ma. Are you gonna be ok without her? Starting to wish you hadn't raised a daughter smart enough to go off to college, huh?" His tone jocular, he added, "At least you never have to worry about Tommy leaving you for school." He tousled the younger boy's hair.

"Of course I don't wish that, Frankie!" The mother wiped her eyes with a tissue. "I'm sad that I'm not going to have all of my babies at home with me anymore, but I'm crying because I'm so _proud_. I'll miss her, but just look where she is! I couldn't be more ha- ha- _happy _for her!" She started sobbing again.

The family drifted out of earshot as Maura reached the steps of the building, where she stood in quiet contemplation for a moment. It seemed odd, at first thought- how could a mother who clearly loved her daughter so much be _happy_ to see her leaving? _But perhaps that's what healthy love is like, _she reflected. _Willingly- happily- putting the other person's best interests before your own desires to have them available to you. And supporting them even when that path takes them away from you. _

The stark contrast with her own mother's needy love made Maura long for another glimpse of the familial experience this girl must have grown up with. She glanced over her shoulder, seeking the family out for another look, but they had disappeared from sight. Maura turned back to the building and, gripping her suitcase handle in both hands, hoisted it carefully one step at a time up the stairs and through the entrance.

* * *

As it turned out, she had chosen the correct building. An upperclass student monitoring freshman move-ins directed her up the stairs to her room, #36, on the third floor.

Maura hesitated at the door of her new room, unsure if she should knock. She had a key, and if her roommate hadn't arrived yet, she could be waiting for no reason. _On the other hand, I don't want to get off on the wrong leg with my roommate- it might be more polite to knock._

She decided she might as well tap on the door- she'd give it forty-five seconds, and if she hadn't heard anything by then, she'd let herself in. She had only just removed her hand from the gentle _rap rap rap_ when the door opened, and an asian girl in green speckled glasses and a serious expression on her face looked back at her.

"Susie Chang," the girl said, sticking her hand out.

Maura lowered her own hand from where it still hovered near the door frame, and shook hands with her new roommate.

"Maura Isles." The intensity of the girl's stare unnerved her a bit, but then Susie dropped her gaze to the floor and stepped aside, holding the door open for Maura to enter.

Maura walked in, surveying her surroundings. The beige walls and simple furniture were a far cry from the elegant decor at her boarding school, but something about it seemed quintessentially _college_, and she felt a flutter of excitement.

"We have two rooms." Susie had closed the door and joined her, looking around. "There's this room, and then another room through that door. We could set it up as a common room and a bedroom, or each have our own room. That might be better, in case we keep different sleep schedules."

Maura nodded in agreement, somewhat relieved. They'd had their own bedrooms at her boarding school, and being able to have her own space here would allow her to maintain a bit more of the privacy she was accustomed to. "That sounds like a wise plan. Which room would you prefer?" she asked.

"Well, they'll both be walk-through rooms," Susie explained. "You have to go through this room to get from the hallway to the bedroom, and you have to walk through the bedroom to get to the bathroom. It would probably make more sense for me to take the room off the hall- I've arranged to work in a laboratory on campus, and I may have to leave in the middle of the night sometimes to check on samples. If I don't have to go through your room to leave and get back, I might not wake you up."

Maura smiled. "Living in the inner room is fine with me." _She's already arranged for a lab position- impressive. And that means she's a science student. Maybe we'll have enough in common to be friends._ "You must be very dedicated," she commented.

Susie's face colored slightly at the compliment, and she broke eye contact again, nodding at the floor. Abruptly, she turned to the boxes stacked neatly off to one side of the room and began to unpack.

Unsure of whether their conversation was over, Maura hesitated a moment before walking into the second room. It was much the same as the first, furnished with a bed, a dresser, a bookcase, and a desk. She set to unpacking her own suitcase.

Maura had made up her bed and nearly finished putting her clothes in the drawers when a voice came from immediately behind her left shoulder, startling her. Susie had come in so quietly, it felt as if she had appeared out of thin air.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Maura asked. The surprise had lead her to miss the content of Susie's question entirely.

"I just wondered if you'd like to walk over to the orientation meeting together." Susie rifled through the papers in the manila folder she carried. "Our freshman packet says it starts in thirty minutes. The walk over should only take eight- if the legend on the campus map is correct, it's half a mile away- but we should leave some extra time in case we get lost or have difficulty navigating the crowds on the way there."

"Yes, I'd like that." Maura tried not to sound overly eager. It didn't matter to her what time Susie wanted to leave or why; she was simply delighted at the prospect of the invitation. _She's asking me to go WITH her. She didn't have to do that; she seems more than capable of finding it on her own. _

Maura reached for her own folder and itinerary, and glanced over it again, confirming the schedule for the rest of the day. "We should bring our passports as well," she told Susie, "After the orientation, we're supposed to go to the Holyoke Center and submit proof of identity so we can be issued student IDs, and then to University Health Services for the Hepatitis B and Meningococcal vaccinations."

Susie nodded. "I'm glad Massachusetts requires the vaccines. Incidents of meningitis are nearly six times more common on college campuses than in the general population, due to the close living quarters and the tendencies of students to engage in activities that encourage the spread of the _Neisseria meningitidis _bacteria." She turned and headed for the door, removing the map and placing the rest of the folder in her messenger bag.

Maura's eyes widened in appreciation of the facts Susie had shared as she followed her out into the hall. She wondered in she might finally have found a place where she would fit right in.


	5. Chapter 5

_They march through, lines of them, the little freshmen with their faces glowing bright- so _proud_ of themselves. These boys and girls have spent their whole lives being the stars, outshining their classmates, so used to being told how _special_ they are. _

_They haven't been here long enough to realize that they're just raindrops in the bucket._

_I see them, touch them all, as they pass through my domain. Today, I merely inject them with vaccines- even sons and daughters of diplomats are not immune to the diseases that linger in this air, get passed along through the meaningless physical contact they seek out to fulfill their insignificant lives._

_But sometimes- sometimes I draw their blood, hold their very life source between my palms and feel the warmth, feel the secrets it whispers to me._

_It's the most intimate contact most of them receive in their time here, and yet they have no idea._

_I've been getting bored here, among the drones. It's been so long since one has stood apart from the crowd, been worthy of my attention. It's been so long since one has called to me to make an opening move, to set our game in motion._

_I've almost tuned out, had all I can take of the incessant chatter of hundreds of vapid look-alikes when _she _walks in._

_They travel in packs, especially when they first arrive. Safety in numbers, although they never admit they're scared._

_This one enters alone._

_Her posture and gait tell me everything about her._

_She walks through the door with limbs loose, a strut to her step. Upon passing through the threshold, I watch her eyes flick around, taking in the multitude of students and the unfamiliar environment. She falters ever so briefly and her body tenses, rounding protectively in on herself for a split second. _

_It's fast, over too quick for anyone else to notice, and she's pulling her shoulders back, drawing herself to her full height once again, squaring off against the world. She finishes her assessment of the room with head held high. _

_Once she finds her place at the end of the correct line, I see her chest expand as she takes in a deep breath. She reaches up to brush her unruly curls out of her face, and her fingers stop midway along her scalp, clutching at the hair while her eyes flutter shut in an extended blink. They open, and her hand continues the rest of the way back. Her arms fold across her chest as she waits, as if daring any of the chattering students to approach her. _

_She is not immune to the fears and insecurities of her classmates- no, the insecurities in this one run deeper, right down to her core- but she owns them. This is a girl who will face her nightmares head on, and come out on top._

_This one is a challenge- _my_ challenge. _

_She is next in line._

_I rush to stab the boy at my table with his injection so I can summon this girl over, get my first touch of the skin on her arms, my first feel of the resistance in her muscles when I stick my needle in._

_I finish with the boy, but he lingers, calling out some inane comment over his shoulder to the rest of his pack. The table next to me frees up, and the girl heads over, plunks herself down in the chair. She rolls up her sleeve, presenting her arm in offering to my colleague._

_I keep my breathing even, force down the anger and resentment that threaten to rise like bile in my throat. Patience is the name of the game. I can wait._

_I rise from my table, head toward the storeroom, ostensibly to restock my supply of tubes and needles._

_I arrive behind this girl just in time to watch the needle enter her skin. A beautiful bead of red forms at the entrance site. As I pass between her chair and the wall, I linger for a second, under the pretense that I am trying to fit through the space without bumping into her. I inhale her scent- a musky sweat that almost covers up a slight flowery fragrance that I can just make out as lavender- and I refocus my eyes from the blood on her skin to the paperwork she's dropped on the table. I scan for her name._

Jane Rizzoli.

_I've gotten what I need, for now, and I continue on past her, unnoticed._

_Jane._

_I will become your worst nightmare, and I will win. I will break you._


	6. Chapter 6

The cold shower had felt wonderful to Jane after her first field hockey practice. The girls on the team were spectacular players, much better than most of her teammates or her competition during high school, and she'd had to work hard to keep up. The challenge had been exhilarating, but it also left her with a touch of disappointment. She evidently wasn't going to be above average at anything at this school of stars- star scholars, star athletes...was there anything her classmates weren't the best of the best at?

After drying off, she wrapped one towel around herself and another around her hair, grabbed her shower caddy, and headed down the hallway to her room. Her stomach dropped as she reached her door and the realization hit her that she had nothing _but_ her shower caddy in hand. She could picture her keychain sitting on her desk, right where she'd dropped it when she came in from practice to an empty room twenty minutes ago.

_Please, _please_, let Lydia or Riley have come home while I've been in the shower_, she silently prayed as she curled her hand into a fist and banged on the door. She gave it thirty seconds, then knocked again, knowing it would be futile.

Quelling the panic, she ran back in her mind through the myriad instructions they'd been inundated with at the orientation two days prior. Who was she supposed to go to if she got locked out? Her RA? She grimaced. The last thing she wanted to do was march down a flight of stairs in only her towel and knock on the door of the upperclass guy she'd met only briefly at a dorm meeting.

Still, better than waiting in the hall for anyone who walked by to gawk at her.

She headed for the staircase and stuck her head into it, scanning for fellow students. None in sight. She scuttled down the staircase, towel clutched firmly in hand, and did another cautious survey around the doorframe into the third floor hallway before entering. Thankfully, she didn't have trouble finding her RA's door- it was right off the staircase, and labeled with a sign that read, 'Stanley- Walden East Entry Resident Advisor.'

She closed her eyes briefly. _I can't believe I'm actually hoping this guy answers the door to me while I'm only in a towel. _She knocked.

A moment later, the door was thrown open, revealing Stanley. Jane just stared for a beat. The guy was supposedly only a senior, but up close, he looked about forty, his hairline already receding. _Poor guy,_ Jane thought.

The flash of sympathy faded the instant Stanley spoke. "What?" he growled at her, throwing his arms out in a gesture of complete impatience.

Jane was taken aback, a little offended. _A half-naked freshman shows up at his bedroom door, and all he has to say is 'What?' Really?_

She tried to hide her annoyance at his attitude as she explained herself. "I'm Jane Rizzoli- I live upstairs, in Room 47, and I locked myself out. We're supposed to go to our RA for a spare key if that happens, right?"

Stanley gave her a brief up-and-down glance, frown on his face. "You were in the shower?"

Jane made a stab at a joke. "No, didn't you hear? It's Naked Day at BCU!"

Stanley's expression didn't change. The fake smile dropped off Jane's face, and she continued lamely, "Yeah, I was in the shower." She gave it another few seconds before prompting, "So...can you let me into my room?"

"Let me see your ID card."

"I don't have my ID." Jane tried to speak patiently, but she was angry that he was making her stand around in the hallway like that, making no pretense at being helpful. "It's attached to my keychain...with my room key...in my room. That's why I'm here."

Stanley shrugged. "I can't let you into your room without an ID."

Jane felt her jaw drop. "Come on, Stanley! What do you think, I dress up in a towel and go around burglarizing students' rooms?"

"I don't know anything about you," Stanley insisted, shaking his head.

The anger bubbled up in Jane, and against her better judgment, she couldn't hold it back any longer.

She leaned in. "You know what? I hope you lose your job. I hope you fail all your classes, and lose the rest of your hair before you're twenty-five. I hope- "

She stopped her rant mid-sentence as she noticed a blonde girl who had appeared by her side and was hovering there, trying to insert herself between Jane and Stanley.

"Do you mind?" Jane snapped. "Whatever you need with Stanley, it can wait a minute, all right?"

"Oh, no, I came over for you." The girl looked Jane up and down appraisingly. "If your boyfriend is giving you a hard time, I have some clothes in my room you could put on, and a phone if you need to call campus security for an escort to help you get your belongings back from his room." With a small motion, she hooked her thumb over her shoulder, indicating a door just behind them.

Jane stared incredulously in the stranger's direction, too angry to really focus on her. "I have my life under control, thank you, but Stanley here- " She twisted her body back in Stanley's direction and jabbed her finger at him. "- who is most definitely _not_ my boyfriend- is going to catch alopecia." She jutted her hip out defiantly.

The voice piped up once again from beside Jane. "Oh, alopecia is rarely a condition that's caught, although it may occasionally result from a contagious fungus. But it's much more typically a genetic disorder, or results from trichotillomania, a manifestation of a stress response related to obsessive compulsive disorder."

Jane turned back to the human encyclopedia, knowing she should control her temper, but unable to stop herself from continuing to lash out. "What about rudeness? Is that genetic too?"

The girl's face fell. "I was simply trying to be nice."

Jane couldn't believe how crushed the girl looked, and a wave of guilt crashed over her. She didn't want to be responsible for the hurt in her eyes. "Hey, I'm sorry," she said, putting a hand out and touching the girl lightly on the arm. "I'm just having a bad day, but I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I locked myself out of my room, and of course, it _would_ happen when my roommates are out and I'm on my way back from the shower..." She sighed.

The girl bit her lip, hesitating before she spoke. "The offer still stands, if you want it. I mean, you certainly don't _have_ to; there's no obligation, but if you'd like somewhere to wait..." She trailed off uncertainly.

A smile played at the corner's of Jane's mouth as she tried to keep herself from grinning openly at the girl's fumbling speech. "Yeah, that'd be great, thanks. I've spent more than enough time standing here giving Stanley an eyeful."

"Great, now you can get outta my sight, Rizzoli. Or whatever your name is. Maybe next time you'll have the brains to remember to bring your ID and keys with you." Stanley gave a final scowl and slammed the door, leaving them alone in the hall.

Jane rolled her eyes at the now-closed door. "Real helpful, that one. Bodes well for the professors here if even a lowly RA is that crabby, huh?"

"Oh, that's a flawed syllogism."

Jane raised her eyebrows.

The girl continued, her head nodding along as she spoke, "You know, like 'All rabbits have whiskers, rabbits are mammals, so all mammals have whiskers.' You're drawing a false conclusion whose truth value has nothing to do with the premises you're basing it on. Get it?" She smiled enthusiastically.

"Uh, yes, a flawed syllogism." Jane felt like she should be annoyed by the correction, but the girl's tone hadn't been condescending- she seemed so genuinely delighted to share the information that Jane couldn't be offended. She stuck out the hand that wasn't securing the towel. "I'm Jane."

"Maura."

_Maura_. Jane rolled the name around in her mind for a moment. She realized she hadn't let the girl's hand go yet, and released it reluctantly. "Nice to meet you, Maura."

"You too." Maura's gaze flicked up to meet hers for just a second before she broke eye contact and looked shyly down at the floor.

They stood in silence for a moment, Maura's eyes on the floor, and Jane's eyes on Maura. _How odd that she's the one avoiding my gaze while I stare at her- she's not the one standing around her dorm half-naked. If one of us is going to be embarrassed, it should be me._

Jane felt the smile threaten to spread across her face again, and her mouth twitched as she tried to keep her expression from turning into a goofy grin that she might get called on to explain. She didn't understand why her frustration at the situation had faded, and she didn't want Maura to think she was laughing at her, even if her awkwardness _was _kind of cute and dorky.

"Well," she said, breaking the silence, "shall we?" She inclined her head in the direction of the room Maura had pointed out. "I shouldn't stand around out here any more- if anyone sees me, I'm going to end up known as Towel Girl for the rest of my four years here."

The laughter she received in response as Maura turned to unlock her door was worth the mini-ordeal.


	7. Chapter 7

Maura's heart began pounding the moment she had the door to her room open. Jane reached for the knob and propped it open, standing back to allow Maura to enter first.

The anxious voice inside Maura's head started in immediately. _I can't believe I invited her in here. Why _did_ I invite her here? Is this how typical college students interact with their peers? Or is it too forward, inviting a girl you've never even met into your dorm room? What do I do with her now that she's here? I don't want her to feel that I'm insinuating that we have to be friends. Although...I _do_ want to be friends with her._ Her mind flashed back to the scene she had witnessed on move-in day, the loving family, interacting so tenderly with each other. It had fascinated Maura, and she longed to experience herself what being in this girl's inner circle felt like.

The strength of her desire for friendship with this practical stranger- with Jane; she had a name now- took Maura by surprise. She didn't usually mind being more or less on her own; she was used to it.

She wasn't, however, accustomed to feeling, well..._needy_. That was her mother's domain, being social, always wanting to be the center of attention, desperate for approval from anyone and everyone. Maura didn't _need _friends, and she hated the idea of anyone feeling pressured or obligated to spend time with her. She was used to being alone, and she preferred to keep it that way rather than put anyone out on her account.

And that she should be feeling such an affinity for this girl, of all people. Maura was quiet, reserved. Jane, from the limited exposure Maura had had to her so far, seemed anything but that. She was intense, emotional, both in her love toward her family, and in her anger.

Maura's breathing quickened. _What am I doing? What-_ She noticed that Jane was staring at her expectantly, and registered belatedly that the girl had spoken.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" she asked Jane.

Maura observed a slight smirk on Jane's face before she repeated herself. "I just asked if you could grab those spare clothes that you mentioned. Unless my price for being such a jerk to you out there is that I have to sit around like this until my roommates get back."

"Oh!" Maura shook her head, trying to clear her mind of the residual panic. "Of course, I'm so sorry, I should have gotten them for you first thing." She disappeared into her bedroom and opened the closet. As she was rummaging through to find something that would best fit Jane's taller and lankier frame, she felt Jane's presence behind her.

"It's ok, you don't have to give it that much thought- anything's an improvement over this." Jane gestured with one hand, indicating her current attire. As Maura's hand hesitated on the fabric of a magenta dress, Jane, peering over her shoulder, hastily added, "But, uh, pants or shorts would be preferable over a dress, if you've got some. I'm not really the girly type."

Maura looked Jane over, running her tongue over lip as she thought. "I'm not sure if any of the pants I have will fit- your legs are much longer than mine. And I don't have very many options. I just arrived with one suitcase, and my other boxes aren't due to be delivered from Europe until later this week."

She turned back to her closet and missed the widening of Jane's eyes at the word "Europe". Looking things over again, Maura settled on a pair of capri leggings and a simple blue shirt. Holding them out to Jane, she asked, "How would these be? They're my running clothes, but I think they're the best option, if you'd prefer not to wear a dress."

"Perfect, thanks," Jane said, taking them from her.

Maura was about to direct Jane to the bathroom, but the words caught in her throat as she realized Jane was already changing, the towel wrapped around her waist as she pulled the shirt over her head. She'd angled her body away from Maura's in a slight display of modesty, but Jane's core was still well within Maura's line of sight.

She dragged her eyes away from Jane's abdominal muscles and tried to form a sentence that wouldn't betray how awkward she felt, having Jane undressing in front of her.

"Umm, so, the clothes are ok?" was all she could manage.

"Yeah, they're great. I play a lot of sports, so I'm most comfortable in athletic stuff. So you run?" she asked.

"I do." Maura looked back. Jane was now tugging the pants over her hips. They were shorter on her legs than on Maura's, but they fit. She wondered if Jane's apparent comfort at changing in front of her was due to years of undressing in front of her teammates in the girls' locker room. Jane's nonchalance didn't reduce Maura's shyness about the unfamiliar situation any, and she found herself rambling on, trying to hide her unease in a stream of words.

"We each had to participate in at least one sport at my boarding school. I chose track because I've always been terrible at team sports, no matter how much research I do into techniques. And then I found that I liked it enough to go running on my own. I haven't had a chance to go here yet, with all the orientation events, but I've read a lot about the running trails along the Charles River. There's a paved path along both sides of the river and twelve bridges that allow for running loops at a variety of distances up to 17.1 miles. And the scenery is supposed to be beautiful, especially at this time of year. There should also be a great deal of rowers preparing for the Head of the Charles Regatta. I've never seen a rowing competition before, but crew is a very popular sport here."

She paused for a breath, self-conscious of her speech. Jane had taken a seat on her bed, legs tucked up near her chest, arms wrapped loosely around them. She was looking at Maura like she was actually interested in hearing what she had to say. Encouraged, Maura surprised herself at the next words to come out of her mouth. An invitation, hopeful, but offered up with the expectation of being turned down. "We could go see what it's like some time. Together, I mean. We could go running together, if you wanted to."

Jane wrinkled her nose. "I don't really run. I'm definitely a team sport kind of person. During the off-seasons, we were supposed to go running on our own, but I almost never did it. It's so...slow-paced, compared to real sports. Which is weird to say because it's _running_, right? You think of it as being fast."

Maura's eyes dropped to the floor, and she felt disappointment settle in her chest. She knew she shouldn't have made the request of Jane. She had learned over the years that asking for things amounted to little more than setting herself up to be let down. It had happened time and time again with her mother when Maura was a child, before she'd all but forgotten how to ask for the things she might want. She had experienced enough broken promises and outright dismissals from Constance to know how to compartmentalize the pain of rejection and move on as though the request hadn't meant anything to her in the first place.

She was about to reassure Jane that it wasn't important, when she heard Jane's voice start back up. She looked over again to see Jane shrugging as she continued, "But if you like it, I'll give it another try. Maybe it's not so bad with a friend."

_A friend._ Maura's breath caught in her throat. "Ok. You don't have to though, I don't want you to feel- "

Jane cut her off, grinning. "Nah, I want to."

"Ok," Maura repeated. Silence fell in the room, and Maura's thoughts began to race again. Why couldn't she come up with anything to say? Maybe she should ask Jane something, a get-to-know-you question. That would be a natural progression in the conversation, right? She searched her mind for an appropriate question, one that would give Jane something to talk about without coming across as intrusive, but she came up blank, nerves blocking her ability to think.

Jane didn't seem to share in Maura's anxiety. She was looking around the room in interest. Cocking her head to read the titles on the spines of the textbooks stacked neatly on Maura's desk, she asked, "Pre-med, huh?"

"Yes." Maura felt relief; academics was a topic she was perfectly capable of navigating. "I'm planning on attending medical school after my undergraduate studies. I'm still deciding between majoring in Molecular and Cellular Biology or Organismic and Evolutionary Biology here. Both encompass the pre-med curriculum, but I'm not certain yet which will better suit my future goals. I suppose it will depend on whether I think I'll go into research or medical practice, which I'll hopefully sort out as I experience more of the courses here. I'm most excited for the laboratory components, I think. Even the most advanced science classes at my high school only included dissection of individual organs. I've always wanted the opportunity to dissect on the level of the organism- getting to look at how all the bodily systems integrate- doesn't it sound fascinating?" She beamed over at Jane, who had her eyebrows raised in a slight grimace.

"You've always wanted to dissect dead bodies?"

Maura inclined her head in acknowledgment.

"Eugh." Jane shuddered and cringed in on herself.

"Well, if you find science so disgusting, what is it you'd like to study?" Maura's mock indignation was ruined by the curl her lips took on as she fought to keep them pursed, faltering in her attempt not to laugh.

Jane straightened back up and leaned in towards Maura. Maura noticed the light in her eyes as she revealed her own interests.

"I want to go into law enforcement. I guess that's going to mean majoring in Government here. U Ma- " Maura noticed Jane falter mid-word, changing the path of what she'd intended to say. " -the other schools I considered going to had Criminal Justice majors, but they don't here. Guess they don't expect BCU grads to want to work in something so…" She trailed off, looking for the right word.

"Pedestrian?" Maura offered, and instantly regretted it. It seemed that was the meaning Jane was searching for, but she hadn't meant to imply that she agreed with the assessment. She blushed. "I'm sorry, that's not what I meant."

Jane just laughed, waving her hand dismissively. "It's fine; that's actually exactly the word I was looking for." Seeing that Maura was still upset, she reached out a hand, grabbing Maura's and tugging at her, simultaneously patting the space next to her on the bed. "Seriously, no need to worry about it. And relax! This is _your_ room. You don't have to stand at attention like that."

Feeling resistance in Maura's body, she stopped pulling. "Unless I'm making you uncomfortable. I'm sorry if I made myself too at home. That's just what we do in my neighborhood, but I guess it's not what you're used to. I can leave- waiting in the hall will be a hundred times better with clothes on." She looked to Maura, eyes searching for an answer.

Maura smiled. "No, it's all right. I like having you here." She sat herself carefully down on the bed next to Jane. Her posture was still straight and her body a bit tense with uncertainty, but she felt the warmth of contentment and acceptance as well.

"So...what makes you interested in pursuing law enforcement?" She was eager to hear Jane talk more about herself.

Jane looked off out the window, a slight furrow to her brow as she contemplated the question. "I'm not sure exactly. There's something really appealing about being part of fighting against injustices, and protecting the people who need it. Plus, it seems exciting. I want a career where I'll never be bored, y'know?" She turned back to Maura, grinning, and Maura momentarily shared a little rush of the thrill Jane felt as she contemplated adventure and risk.

"I've wanted to be a cop for as long as I can remember," Jane continued. "Although I've been thinking more about federal law enforcement instead since getting accepted to BCU." She broke eye contact, nodding along with her words, as though to convince herself of her conviction towards what she was saying. "FBI or CIA or something. It's not quite what I've always pictured, but someone's paying for me to be here, and I don't want to let them down or waste the opportunity." Her facial muscles tensed, expression hardening.

Maura fidgeted with her hands, rubbing her fingertips lightly together as she searched for the right words. Underlying the passion that Jane clearly felt towards her desired career, Maura detected a note of...was it uncertainty? Defensiveness? She couldn't pinpoint what it was that dampened Jane's enthusiasm, but she wanted to return her to that state where her intensity lay in fervor for a cause, not resignation to a fate.

"Whatever you choose to do, it sounds like your dedication and interest will make you a valuable contribution to the field." Maura kicked herself internally. She'd wanted to offer something meaningful and reassuring, something that might make Jane feel as good as her referring to them as friends had made Maura feel, but it had come out sounding so clinical and trite. She wished she were better at these things, but she had never seemed to get a handle on the emotional interpersonal interactions that came so easily to others.

"My dedication and interest." Jane parroted back the words, mulling over them for a moment before meeting Maura's eyes again. "That's the first time in a while that someone's complimented me for something other than my intelligence or this educational opportunity I've managed to land myself." Maura watched Jane move her mouth silently for a few seconds, settling on her next words. "Thanks. It felt nice, hearing that."

"You're welcome." Maura kept her face straight, not wanting to make light of the moment, but inwardly she was exploding. She could hardly believe that she'd somehow managed to choose the right thing to say, that for once, her words had meant something to someone.

Jane stood up abruptly, giving her head a little shake as though to brush off the moment of vulnerability. "I should go check and see if my roommates are back yet. I've already got a bunch of homework to do, and I'm sure you do too. I'll get out of your hair now." She collected her towels and shower caddy from where she'd deposited them near the foot of the bed.

Maura got up as well, and lead the way to the door. "All right. But it was no trouble. If your roommates haven't come home yet, you're welcome to come back here."

Jane rested with her hand on the doorknob. "Ok, thanks. And thanks again for rescuing me and lending me your clothes. I'll get them washed and back to you in a few days." She let herself out, turning to give Maura a smile and wave from the hallway before disappearing into the staircase.

Maura lingered at the open door, looking after her. Although Jane was correct; she did have homework she should do, she half-hoped that Jane would still be locked out and would return downstairs for a while longer.

Maura listened, hearing Jane's knock on the door a floor above, and then the sound of a door opening and voices chattering. She closed her own door softly, and went to settle down with her textbooks.


	8. Chapter 8

After double-checking the number on the door against the room number listed on her schedule- the last thing she needed was to show up at the wrong class- Jane slumped down on the bench outside her Italian classroom. She was still five minutes early, and she needed a moment to herself before entering back into the academic environment.

She'd just come from her first class at BCU. Foundations of Political Theory. One of the basic required courses for her major. And she'd spent the entire time in a panic. It wasn't that she hadn't understood the material, it was just that everyone else seemed to understand it _better_. When the professor would pause in his lecture to ask a question, Jane would still be scribbling down her notes, just beginning to process the question, and the other students would already have their hands in the air, ready with entire theories and examples to back them up. What they were saying made sense to Jane, but she couldn't imagine coming up with anything comparable herself, especially not on the spot like that.

She pinched the bridge of her nose between two fingers and scrunched up her face, trying to mentally prepare herself to spend another 50 minutes completely out of her depth while pretending that everything came as easily to her as it did to the rest of her classmates. She stood, sighing, grabbed her satchel and books, and entered the classroom.

This one was much different than her last- that had been a massive lecture hall, seats filled with hundreds of students. This was a small room, most of the space taken up by a conference table surrounded by a dozen or so chairs, about half of them already filled. Jane didn't know whether to be relieved that she'd only be judged against a handful of other students, or daunted by the prospect that she'd hardly be able to blend into the background here.

She did a quick scan of the room to choose her seat. She wasn't sure if it would be like high school, where the place she claimed on the first day would be her spot for the rest of the year. But in case it was, she didn't want to get stuck right next to the teacher, where her every mistake and even her terrible handwriting wouldn't escape notice.

Her gaze stopped on the head of blonde hair, belonging to a girl sitting with her back to Jane, posture ramrod straight and her books already open on the table in front of her. Jane craned her neck around, trying to get a good enough look to determine whether the girl was Maura.

As Jane leaned in, the girl turned quickly toward her, perhaps sensing she was being observed. Jane felt her face break into a smile, realizing that it was indeed Maura. Maura tilted her head, giving a shy close-mouthed smile and a small, tentative wave back at Jane. The seats on both sides of her were still open, and Jane walked over, settling into the chair to Maura's right, the one that wouldn't put her directly opposite the professor. Relief flooded through her. Classes had to be better if you didn't have to face them alone, right?

"Hey," she said, gently nudging Maura with her shoulder.

Maura recoiled at first, looking taken aback at the physical greeting. Jane was about to apologize for startling her, but before Jane spoke, Maura dropped her gaze and bit her lip, then slowly and deliberately leaned toward Jane, tapping her shoulder into Jane's for a nanosecond. She looked back up at Jane triumphantly, as though she'd just unlocked the secrets of the universe. "Hello," she returned.

Jane bit the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing. Maura was the most adorable dork she'd ever met. Before she could continue the conversation, the professor, an older woman with long gray hair, got up from the other side of the table.

"Buon giorno, i miei studenti. Ben venuto! Mi chiamo Anna, e sono la votre professora. Dopo oggi, parliamo solamente italiano qui." She translated, speaking slow, heavily accented English, "Welcome. My name is Anna. After today, we speak only Italian here. It is the best and fastest way for you to learn. Potete fare domande- you may ask questions- ma _in italiano_ quando potete, per piacere. Va bene?"

"Va bene," a few students responded. Jane glanced around, dumbfounded. Had they understood the parts the teacher hadn't translated? Wasn't this supposed to be a beginner class? She surreptitiously slid her schedule out from her binder- yes, it definitely said Italian 1A, Beginning Italian. She brought her attention back to the professor, who was making an over exaggerated gesture towards herself.

"Mi chiamo Anna. Come ti chiami?" She addressed the student closest to her right.

"Uh. Mi chimi Bill."

Anna nodded. "Mi chiamo Anna, ti chiami Bill. Come si chiama questa studentessa?" She pointed to the girl next to Bill. "Chiedele la domanda. 'Come ti chiami'…" she prompted.

The question progressed around the classroom, the students displaying varying degrees of comfort with the new words. When the question got to Maura, her accent seemed flawless, as far as Jane could tell. Her "Mi chiamo Maura" and "Come ti chiami?", addressed to Jane, earned a smile and comment of "Brava, Maura" from Anna.

Jane's mouth went dry as she took her turn to give it a try. "Mi chiamo Jane." The encouraging smile from Maura helped a little, and she felt slightly more confident as she turned to the student to her right and asked, "Come ti chiami?"

The professor nodded at her. "Molto bene."

Jane slumped back in her chair, relieved. Anna's response seemed positive; she must have done passably well.

After Anna had guided the classroom in several more rounds of simple questions, she looked up at the clock. "Tre minuti più." She held up three fingers and pointed at the clock. "Per i vostri compiti di casa- your homework- travate un compare e tenete una conversazione con queste domande. Ora, alzatesi e formate delle coppie." She gestured with her hands, indicating that the students should stand up and group off. "Find conversation partners for your homework."

Jane rose from her chair, grateful for the gesturing and limited English words. _Ok, so we're pairing off to make homework groups._ Her eyes immediately flicked towards Maura, wanting to take the opportunity to spend more time with her outside of class. She hesitated. _She's clearly better at this than me. She's from _Europe_, for god's sake- she probably already knows how to speak a little Italian. I'd just hold her back. Maybe once I'm a little better at this, I can ask her to be partners with me for some other assignment._

Jane had resigned herself to finding a different partner, and she looked around the room, trying to find her next best option among the other eight students milling around, conversing in English with the odd few words of Italian thrown in. Her gaze was drawn back to Maura, who stood stiffly next to her, frozen awkwardly in place, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

It was obvious that Maura was uncomfortable- not wanting to approach the other students, but also painfully aware that no one was approaching her. Jane's heart ached. _Being stuck with me as a partner can't be as bad as continuing to stand there like that,_ Jane thought. _She looks as miserable in her own way as I felt standing in the hall in my towel._

She turned to Maura. _Here goes nothing_. She took a breath. "Come ti piace...ummm...work with me on the...conversazione?" _Ugh, well done, Jane,_ she berated herself. Rolling her eyes, she tried to turn it into a joke, "You can tell from my flawless Italian that I'd be a really wise choice for a partner."

The look on Maura's face made Jane feel like she was melting from the inside out.

"Mi piace molto." She looked into Jane's eyes, and Jane could see the depth of gratitude there. "Grazie." It came out in a whisper.

Jane tried to come up with a light-hearted response that would earn her another laugh from Maura, but she was interrupted by the ringing of the campus church bells that marked the hour and the end of class.

"Ciao, studenti! Ci vediamo venerdì!" Anna called out as everyone gathered their belongings and filed out of the classroom.

Jane lingered by Maura's side as Maura collected her books and pens, placing them neatly in her bookbag. "Hey, do you have any more classes this afternoon?"

Maura thought for a moment. "No, Wednesdays I'm finished after Italian."

"Me too." Jane was surprised at the difficulty she had choking out the next question. "So...can I walk you back to the dorm?"

* * *

A few minutes later, Jane and Maura were outside in the BCU campus yard, about halfway through their walk back to Walden Hall. Jane had already gotten Maura to laugh three times, and had heard facts about two obscure subjects that she would have found boring under other circumstances, but which she soaked up every word of now.

During a lull in the conversation, Jane blurted out the question that had been nagging at her since she'd found herself in Maura's room two days prior. "Maura, why are you even talking to me?"

Maura looked at her with puzzlement. "You asked me to walk back to the dorm with you, and you've been making comments and asking questions since then, so I thought you wanted to have a conversation…" She trailed off, wary.

Jane waved a hand in the air dismissively. "No, no, not 'why are you talking to me right this second?', I meant...why are you talking to me in the first place? Your first impression of me was while I was standing in the middle of the hallway in my towel, yelling at the R.A. Not that Stanley didn't deserve it, but what could possibly have made you think in that moment, 'Oh, hey, here's someone I feel like being nice to'?"

"Well, I just…" Maura looked down at the ground and let the beginning of her sentence hang in the air. Jane noticed red blotches appearing on the surface of Maura's neck, and Maura raised her hands to her collar, trying to adjust it to hide her neck. "It wasn't."

Distracted by whatever was going on with Maura's neck, Jane couldn't make the connection. "What wasn't what?"

Maura looked over at Jane out of the corner of her eye, her head still dipped down. "It wasn't my first impression of you."

"What d'you mean?" _How could that not have formed an impression on her- the crazy girl yelling in the dormitory hallways cannot be a sight that would have been routine in her sophisticated, civilized European boarding school. _

"I saw you for the first time on move-in day. You were with your family, and I...watched you for a minute while you were saying goodbye to them." The red flush had now crept up from Maura's neck and spread across her face.

"Oh." Jane was embarrassed- so Maura had witnessed her make a spectacle of herself twice already, once with Stanley, and once with her family's tear-filled goodbyes. "My family is pretty good at making a scene. It's mostly my mother. She's so...emotional."

"I thought it was sweet. I liked...I liked how evident it was that you all loved each other."

"Yeah, but it gets annoying how much 'love' looks like 'smothering' in the Rizzoli household. If she had her way, I'd live at home forever, eating peanut butter and fluff sandwiches with the crusts cut off." Jane rolled her eyes.

Maura's brow furrowed. "No, that's not what she said."

"What?"

"After you went inside, she said that she was sad that she wouldn't have you at home anymore, but that she couldn't be happier for you."

"Oh." Jane turned her head away, looking out across the yard. She didn't want Maura to see the slight glistening of tears forming in her eyes. Much as she might complain about her family, she loved them, and she already missed the comfort and security of being surrounded by her family, even if she'd never admit it. Hearing about how much her mother wanted her to have this experience was painful in contrast to how BCU was making Jane feel so far- which was mostly inadequate and small.

She made a subtle swipe at her eye, finishing the motion by brushing her hair back out of her face to cover up the intent of the gesture.

Maura hadn't said anything else, so Jane opted for a redirection of the line of conversation. "So while you were busy watching my family be all sentimental, what were your parents doing? Did they leave you alone to get your first eyeful of the commoners while they convened with all the high society European parents?"

The mockery seemed to slip by Maura. "Oh, the percentage of European students here is actually quite small- typically around 2.9% of the undergraduate population- and they're not all from what would be deemed as 'high society'." She left the statement there for a few paces before continuing. "And besides, my mother didn't accompany me here."

Jane stopped in her tracks, grabbing Maura's arm to keep her from walking on ahead. "Wait- you came all the way here from Europe _alone_? Your family didn't bring you over?"

Maura shook her head gently, her eyes fluttering shut briefly. "No. My mother had a work commitment this past weekend that she'd couldn't excuse herself from."

Jane was appalled. "She went to _work_ instead of dropping her daughter off at college halfway around the world?"

"She's a very busy woman, and her work is important to her. Other people are counting on her to be there." Maura's hand drifted up to cover her mouth for a moment. She began walking again, and the words tumbled out rapidly, matching her pace. "And it's hardly halfway around the world; the flight distance between Rome and Boston is approximately 4,081 miles, and the circumference of the earth at its widest point is- "

Jane jogged a few steps to catch up, and cut Maura off, sensing that the stream of justifications was an attempt to downplay a topic that was more meaningful to Maura than she wanted to let on. She put one hand lightly on Maura's back, and held up the other to concede the point. "Ok. You got here, and that's what's most important anyway." She felt Maura's pace slow, and her body relax slightly under Jane's touch as they reached the back stairs of their dorm building.

Deciding a change of subject was in order, and reluctant to say goodbye, Jane checked her watch as she got her key out. Letting the two of them into the building, she said, "I've still got an hour before I have to leave for practice. Do you want to work on the assignment now?"

She was rewarded with a smile from Maura. "Yes, that sounds like a good idea. Where would you like to work?"

Jane stepped back, letting Maura proceed up the staircase and following behind her. "We should probably go to your room, if you don't mind. One of my roommates- Lydia- is completely unbearable and annoying. She's got this high, breathy voice and she _giggles _all the time and she even flirted with my brother- my _fourteen year old_ brother. You must have seen him- would _you_ flirt with him?"

They reached the third floor landing and exited, stopping outside Maura's door. "Well, both your brothers are good-looking. The three of you share a lot of features. But- "

Jane pointed a finger at Maura. "Ew. You stop right now. I can't think about another person my age finding my younger brothers attractive." She pretended to gag.

Maura just shook her head, laughing. "I promise, I don't have any interest in flirting with your brothers." She turned her back, opening the door and leading the way into her room.

Jane trailed behind, the content of Maura's prior statement catching up with her. _Both of your brothers are good-looking. The three of you share a lot of features. _Had Maura just implied…? Jane shook her head, dismissing the notion before even allowing the thought to reach its conclusion. She tossed her bag on the floor near the door, grabbed her Italian notebook out of it, and plopped herself down on Maura's bed, back resting against the wall.

Jane flipped open the notebook and pretended to start reading over her notes, but her eyes drifted up from the page and she surreptitiously watched Maura settle herself in.

Maura placed her bag neatly on the desk chair and removed her books, putting them away on the bookshelf. She hesitated momentarily, hands resting on the back of the chair, as if about to pull it out and sit down. She changed her course at the last second and joined Jane on the bed. She perched on the edge, as she had the last time they were in her room. Jane held her breath, waiting to see what level of comfort Maura had reached with her.

She released the breath, pleasantly surprised when Maura cautiously scooted herself further back on the bed, bringing her back to rest against the wall a foot or so from Jane's. Her body still tense and stiff, she looked over at Jane, clearly questioning whether she was doing things "right". In answer, Jane gave her a warm but subtle smile of encouragement, and was relieved to see Maura's response- her body visibly relaxed, and she looked down at her lap with her own small smile. _She's proud of herself_, Jane realized.

It was so sweet and innocent that Jane had to resist the urge to shift closer to Maura and give her a congratulatory hug. She could sense Maura's obvious hesitation in navigating social situations, and it was foreign to Jane, making her second guess some of her instincts. Jane usually just barrelled on ahead, doing and saying what she felt, any fears or doubts masked behind her outward bravado. It made things feel easier than letting herself worry about every little thing before acting. But something about Maura made Jane want to soften her approach a bit. Maura clearly operated on an entirely different plane than Jane, and Jane was touched by the effort Maura must be making to interact with someone as brash as Jane. She didn't want to risk pushing her too hard, scaring her off.

_Guess it's time to let her be in her comfort zone- maybe she'll be less intimidated when she's reminded that she's about a billion times smarter than me_. Jane flipped her notes back to the first page and started in on the conversation. "Mi chiamo Jane. Come ti chiami?"

* * *

They'd been at it for about half an hour and gone through the range of questions a handful of times. Jane was giddy at the compliments Maura had given her on her pronunciation, even if she suspected she was just being nice. Maura had also taught her a few additional simple phrases that she said would come up in the next chapter of the textbook.

"Ok, tell me," Jane insisted when they closed the books, "Why are you in beginner Italian if you know these things already? You're gonna put the rest of the class to shame."

Maura looked down, shaking her head modestly. "I only know a little, not enough for an intermediate level course. After I graduated from my school in France, I spent the rest of the summer with my mother in Rome, and I picked up a few phrases. Not many- most of the people there spoke with me in English or French so we could actually converse- but you can learn a lot, especially about the pronunciation and rhythm of a language, just by listening."

Jane's eyebrows rose. "Wow. Boston must seem so mundane to you after living in France and Italy. Aren't you going to miss that…" Jane searched for the right words, "...glamorous lifestyle?"

The corners of Maura's mouth twitched down before she spoke. "Most of it wasn't particularly glamorous. I stayed on campus at my boarding school, for the most part. They didn't like for us to go out alone; you had to leave with a friend or parent, so I didn't go out frequently. And in Rome I did see a bit more of the city's culture and history- but I spent most of the time at the gallery where my mother is showing her artwork."

"Your mom's an artist? That _definitely_ qualifies as glamorous, spending your summer at an art gallery in Rome. Were you doing an internship there, or just helping her out?"

Maura shook her head again. "No, neither. I spent most of my time reading in the café there. My mother liked me to be around in case she needed me, or had time for lunch between meetings," she explained. "but I would have just been underfoot, being in the gallery itself all the time."

Jane noted that Maura's tone had changed on the last line, like she was quoting an explanation she'd heard repeatedly. She was also fidgeting with her hands in her lap. _She's upset, and trying not to let on_, Jane realized, and it made her hurt inside on Maura's behalf. She wanted to cover up Maura's hands with her own, give her something to hold on to besides her own restless sadness.

She was about to reach out when she heard the sound of the door opening in the next room. A minute later, a girl walked into Maura's bedroom.

"Oh!" the girl said. "I was just on my way to the bathroom- I didn't mean to interrupt if you had company."

Maura rose from the bed, reassuring her, "It's quite all right, Susie. Jane, this is my roommate, Susie Chang. Susie, this is…" She paused for a fraction of a second, "...my friend, Jane."

Jane had followed Maura up off the bed, and gave a little wave of acknowledgment. "Hey Susie, what's up?"

"Uh, nothing much." Susie's eyes flicked over to Maura, then down at the floor.

They stood around in silence, the cramped space of the room increasing the awkwardness. For once, Jane didn't know what to say to relieve the tension, so she excused herself. "I've got field hockey practice soon, and it's all the way across the river, so...I better get going." She picked up her bag.

Not giving herself time to think through the action or talk herself out of it, she reached out, grasping Maura's hand and giving it a quick squeeze. "I'll see you soon, ok? Thanks for working with me today." She let herself out of the room, wondering at the heady rush of energy she felt as she bounded up the stairs to her room.


	9. Chapter 9

The minutes ticked by. The digital display on Maura's clock now read '3:02', and she'd been waiting in position for seven minutes already. She tapped her pencil anxiously against her desk, staring down the phone, unsure whether it would hurt more if it rang, or if it didn't.

They'd planned this phone call two weeks ago, before she'd left Italy. 3pm Boston time, 9pm Rome time, on her second Monday at BCU. It had been Constance's idea, and Maura had set the plan meticulously, selecting a time and day when she would be out of class, and Constance wouldn't be needed at the gallery. She'd inquired ahead to BCU to determine whether there would be a school-issued phone in her room, whether it would accept international calls, what the number was.

3:04. Had her mother thought the plan was for Maura to call her? Had she confused the day or the time? Perhaps she'd phoned an hour earlier, and Maura had missed her. Her mind flashed to the paper she'd left on Constance's desk, right beside the telephone, listing out the precise details of their call. She sighed. More likely, based on past experience, was that she had simply forgotten, or something more important had come up at the last minute.

3:06. Maura wondered how long she should wait before giving up. The question was irrelevant; she knew she would sit there all evening, just in case. Constance had been keeping odd hours in the weeks prior to Maura's departure, hardly needing any sleep, so it was possible that she would come home at two in the morning and try Maura then.

But maybe she should try figuring out if there was a way for her to call Rome- if her mother thought the plan was for Maura to call, and she failed to do so, she'd never hear the end of it.

3:07. The brassy ring from the outdated phone startled Maura, its tone blaring loudly through the quiet of the room. Swallowing, she lifted the receiver to her ear. "Hello?"

"Maura, darling, is that you?"

"Yes, Mother, it's me. How are- "

"Oh, it has been _dreadful_ without you here, sweetheart. The house is so empty with you gone. Tell me you hate it there and you're coming home immediately."

_Home, _thought Maura. _I don't even feel like I know what that word means, but I'm sure it's not an empty apartment in Rome. How can she miss me so terribly now when she never had time for me while I was there? _

"Darling? Why aren't you answering me?" Constance's voice jarred Maura out of her contemplations.

"I'm sorry, Mother. I miss you as well."

Constance huffed into the phone. "You say that like it's such a chore, talking to me. I'm your _mother_, Maura, and not only did you leave me, but now you don't even wish to talk to me. If I'm such a burden, why don't I just hang up the phone and let you get on with your wonderful new life?"

Maura closed her eyes, mustering her strength. "That's not true. Please don't hang up."

Constance sniffed. "Well, all right."

"How are you, Mother? Have you finished working on that new piece for the gallery?"

There was a pause. "I've been so off balance and sad without you, Maura, I've simply not been able to work. All my energy and creativity are just drained at the moment."

Warning bells went off in Maura's head. She should have anticipated this. Constance had been working herself into a frenzy over the summer, churning out piece after piece, up at all hours of the night in her studio. The comedown was inevitable, and she wondered how bad it was this time. "Have you been going into work every day?"

"Some days. I told you, Maura, I just haven't felt up to things. If you'd just come back home…"

_Why would she ask that? I can't believe she would ask that. _"You know I can't, Mother." _Should I? Does she need me? _

"You could if you really wanted to." Constance let the accusation sit for a minute. "You could take the semester off, spend it back here, at the gallery with me, and enroll in one of the universities here in the spring. We could have such a lovely time this fall, darling, just the two of us. I'll take some time away from work and we can explore the city together."

Maura hated the way hope rose in her chest and 'yes' teetered on the edge of her lips at the notion. She knew the promises weren't real, knew things in reality never turned out like the sentiments her mother expressed beforehand. _I can't. I can't. I don't want to leave here, not for a fantasy. Not when I can never, ever measure up to the interest she takes in her projects, her need for thrill and stimulation._

"Mother, I- I like it here. The semester's only just started. I can't leave."

A deep sigh came through the other end of the line. "Fine, fine, I see what it is that matters most to you. At least tell me about this new school that you're loving so much. Am I still important enough to you to hear about your life?"

Maura leaned her elbow on her desk and rested her forehead in one hand, closing her eyes. She was already exhausted from the conversation, the constant pressure to say the right thing. And now she'd have to walk the delicate line between not seeming too enthusiastic about being away at a place Constance didn't approve of, and giving too few details, thus inviting Constance to accuse Maura of not wanting to share her life with her mother.

She began cautiously. "I've enjoyed my classes here so far. The material is fascinating, and of course, the professors are renowned in their fields. I think I'll be challenged academically, and I'm looking forward to it."

"An environment that's challenging enough for you. That's something I never expected to hear."

Silence fell. "Well?" Constance finally continued. "That's all you're willing to tell me? Three sentences about your life, that's all I'm worth these days?"

Maura instructed herself to be safe, to tell her mother a bit more about her classes, perhaps describe the coursework she'd done so far. But before she could check herself, the subject she'd really been wanting to share with someone came rushing out of its own accord.

"I've made a friend here, Mother. Jane." She drew her breath in, but it was too late to take her words back now. _Please, please, don't let her ruin this for me. _

"Have you now? That was quick, wasn't it?" Constance remarked.

Although she knew that it would be best to just agree and leave it at that, Maura couldn't help herself. Her instincts usually lead her to keep her feelings self-contained, but the way she'd been brimming with elation about Jane rendered her incapable of passing up the chance to tell someone else about it.

"I know it hasn't been very long, but she was one of the first people I saw here, and I knew immediately that I would like her. It was the oddest feeling, being so sure of that before I'd even properly met her. And now I have met her- she's come over to my room twice already, and she asked me to be her partner for a class assignment. And she referred to me as her friend." The memory brought a smile and a flush of pleasure to Maura's face.

"She's very confident, but not stuck up like the girls from the lycée- she's much more…" Maura struggled for the right words, needing her mother to understand exactly what Jane was like. "She's very relaxed. Genuine. It's the most intriguing thing, just watching her be herself. She's fascinating, Mother. And she seems...she seems to truly _want_ to spend time with me," she marveled, remembering the way the pressure of Jane's hand had felt on hers in that brief instant before she'd left Maura's room the previous week. _I'll see you soon, ok? _It felt like a reassurance, a promise.

And she'd kept it- Jane had chosen to sit beside her again in the two classes they'd had since that day. Maura had been sure to arrive early both days, ensuring that she would be seated first, and leaving it up to Jane to decide whether she wanted to join her. She'd been wracked with nervous energy, flipping uselessly through her books as the seconds ticked by. When Jane finally arrived and did indeed settle in next to Maura, her grin made the anxiety fade away into contentment. Here was her evidence that for the next 50 minutes, at least, someone- Jane, no less- was choosing her company.

Her mother's next comment yanked Maura unpleasantly back to the present. "It's abundantly clear how taken you are with this girl, but you mustn't be foolish, darling. What makes you so certain she likes you? You said she asked for your help with homework, isn't that right? You're very gifted academically, Maura, that's immediately obvious to anyone who meets you, but you really must learn to be more intelligent socially. You're projecting your feelings and desires onto this girl, and all she sees is an opportunity to have someone smarter do her work for her."

Maura was speechless, her thoughts reeling inside her head. It wasn't true, Constance had no idea, she hadn't even _met_ Jane, how could she know? _But she's met ME_, Maura thought, feeling a hollow ache in her chest. _She knows what I'm like, how much time I spend alone, how difficult it is for me to make friends. And for all the terrible drama her relationships might contain, as often as she may destroy them and burn her bridges in the end, she does know how to form them in the first place. She knows how to get close to people, how to forge the social connections and bonds that typically elude me. Is she right? Am I misinterpreting because I want this so badly?_

She thought of the ways Jane had smiled at her, or reached out to touch her arm as they talked. The way she'd made herself at home on Maura's bed. The way being around her made Maura want to break through her discomfort to be near her and talk to her. It felt real. She couldn't be inventing all that, could she?

Constance pressed on into the silence, sensing Maura's wavering doubts. "You know how much difficulty you have interpreting these things, Maura. Remember that boy you dated while we were in Ethiopia that summer? What was his name? Ian, wasn't it?"

Maura's stomach dropped at the memory. She tried to forget Ian, had never spoken about him again after he'd left without so much as a goodbye. But Constance had seen the whole scenario unfold. She'd known how much Maura had liked him, how excited she'd been that he expressed an interest in her, and she'd seen how devastated Maura was when she learned that she'd meant nothing to him at all. It wasn't so much the memory of losing Ian himself that made Maura so upset to think about, it was the reminder of how out of touch she'd been, how she'd been able to convince herself that for once she was loved and cared for, and how she'd felt when the illusion crumbled down around her.

"...and you must be even more suspect of girls, darling, they're much better at finessing situations to get what they want. Don't get so swept up in your emotions that you let this Jane pull the wool over your eyes."

Maura felt anger boil up inside her, jostling some of the sadness out of the way. How could her mother speak so critically about other people's intentions when she herself used manipulation relentlessly to get what she wanted?

Tears of frustration welled in her eyes. _I may be naïve, but surely I have enough experience with manipulation by now to recognize it when I see it. This isn't about Jane, this is about my mother lashing out at when she's upset and isn't getting her way. _The words she'd overheard Jane's mother say when her daughter had left floated into her mind. _"I'm sad...but I'm crying because I'm so proud...I couldn't be more happy for her!" _

Thinking about the contrast pushed Maura over the edge. She fought to keep her voice steady as the tears ran down her cheeks. "For once I have a _friend, _for once I was excited to tell you something, and you can't just be happy for me?"

Constance's voice turned steely. "Do not take that tone with me, Maura. It is my responsibility to look out for you, and if I see that there is someone who might hurt you, I am not going to refrain from mentioning it because it might hurt your feelings."

_I don't think there is anyone who could hurt me the way she does. _That simple truth washed over Maura, leaving her feeling empty and alone. Defeated.

"Anyhow, you have positively worn me out," she heard her mother say. "I don't understand why you must make things so difficult, when all I wanted was to have a pleasant conversation with my daughter. I'm going to say goodnight before you upset me any further."

"I'm sorry, Mother, I didn't mean- " The click sounded in Maura's ear before she'd had a chance to finish her apology. She set the receiver gently back on the base and covered her face with her hands, taking a few deep, steadying breaths. It bothered her how upset she'd gotten, how much hurt she'd allowed her mother's words to inflict.

_I should have more patience with her. It's not her fault. _A few sentences into their conversation, and Maura had already begun to notice the signs that indicated that Constance wasn't doing well. She'd heard the references to work not done, the lack of energy, the loneliness. She should have been able to anticipate it, should have been prepared for what their phone call would entail. Instead, she'd allowed herself to be blindsided, swept up in her own excitement. She should have known better than to expose her feelings to her mother, especially once she'd seen Constance's frame of mind at the beginning of her conversation.

_But I just wanted someone to be happy with me._

The thought sent guilt reverberating through Maura. _My primary concern right now should be whether she's going to be okay. _She closed her eyes, trying to get her emotions under control. _I shouldn't take her comments to heart_, she reminded herself. _It's her disorders that are talking to me, not her. That's what all the research says. _

The phrases drifted through her mind: _"when in the midst of a bipolar episode, people may say things that are hurtful...they are symptoms of a mental illness...don't take them personally…', 'Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to feel a great deal of anger...whatever is really behind it, they will say it's your fault...but these behaviors are not about you', 'inappropriate expressions of hostility...accusations may hurt because they feel so frankly false and unfair, or because they contain some kernel of truth...'._

Quoting her research back to herself wasn't making her feel better. The conversation had left her too conflicted, questioning not only all the things she'd been so excited about, but questioning herself and her own judgments.

Her gaze drifted over to the textbooks on her shelf- she should really put this aside and get to work; she had a lot of reading she needed to do for her classes the next day. But as she opened her neurobiology textbook to where she'd left off earlier, she realized she was still entirely too preoccupied to make studying worthwhile.

She checked the clock- just after 4pm. She'd go for a walk to clear her head, get an early dinner, and bring her books to the library afterwards.

* * *

Maura had made three laps around the border of the campus yard, but hadn't succeeded in quieting her emotions and worries. She decided to cut through the yard, taking the footpath across the grassy expanse straight to the dining hall instead of making another loop around. She made a final attempt to relax out of herself and focus on the gorgeous fall day. Other students were outside as well, studying under the trees, and playing casual ball games on the lawns.

As she approached the far side of the yard, she saw a familiar head of brown wavy hair bent over a backpack, packing up a soccer ball and water bottle. It was Jane, dressed in a tank top and athletic shorts. Beside her was a boy, sitting on the grass and changing from a pair of sneakers to sandals.

Maura observed them as she slowed her pace, uncertain whether she should change her course to avoid unexpectedly interrupting Jane. She saw Jane reach out a fist to the boy, giving him a light punch on the shoulder. They were laughing.

Maura had just decided that she would pass by with a wide berth, hoping not to disturb things, when Jane looked up in her direction as she was putting a baseball cap on. Her face broke into a smile and she waved animatedly. Maura raised her hand tentatively back in acknowledgment. Now that she'd been seen and greeted, she didn't know if it was an invitation for her to stop and say a proper hello, or if the interaction was over.

Jane settle the question for Maura. She grabbed her backpack off the ground, slinging it over one shoulder and holding the strap with her hand, and beckoned the boy with her as she jogged over to Maura. "Hey!" she said as she caught up, giving Maura a one-armed hug with her free arm. She turned to the boy and gestured to Maura. "This is Maura, the one I was telling you about."

_She was talking about me_. The realization made Maura's heart flutter.

"Maura, this is Frost. He lives in Walden too, up on the fourth floor with me."

The boy gave her a nod and a huge smile, one that made his entire face light up. "Nice to meet you, Maura."

"You too. Frost, was it? What an unusual name," Maura remarked. She furrowed her brow. "I've never heard it before. What's the etymology?"

Frost looked quizzical, and Jane jumped in, clarifying, "It's his last name, Maura. It's kind of a 'one of the guys' thing, I guess." She turned to Frost and explained, "Maura went to an all-girls boarding school in Europe."

"Ahh," he said, giving her another friendly smile. "You can call me Barry, if you prefer."

Jane snorted, laughing into her hand. "Or you can call him by his given name, as our Economics TA did in class the other day- _Barold._"

Frost gave her a stony look and held it for a moment before he and Jane both burst out laughing.

Maura gave an uncertain smile as well, not quite sure what the joke was. Thrown off-balance and unclear on what the expectations of the conversational dynamics were, she offered up a simple fact, something that she could count on to be right, "Barold is also an uncommon name. It's a derivative of the Irish name 'Fionnbharr', which translates to 'fair-haired'."

Jane kept a straight face. "Very appropriate," she commented.

Maura's face froze. _Am I the joke now? _she wondered. _There's nothing especially fitting about a name meaning 'fair-haired' for a person who's African American. Did I say the wrong thing? _

She noticed that Jane was eyeing her now, looking concerned. After a moment, Jane broke eye contact, looking to Frost and clapping him on the shoulder, "I'll catch you later, ok? Great game today, Frost."

Frost nodded. "See ya, Rizzoli. Nice to meet you, Maura." He gathered up his bag and headed off toward Walden.

Maura looked down at the ground, unsure what it meant that Jane had sent Frost away. Was she annoyed at Maura? Embarrassed by her?

Jane gave her a moment before speaking up. "So. Where are you headed?"

_Is that my cue to leave?_ wondered Maura. "I was just out for a walk. I know it's early, but I'm heading over to the dining hall for dinner." She waited for Jane to say 'goodbye' or 'I'll see you in class on Wednesday'.

Instead, she heard, "Man, I'm starving after running around out here with Frost. He's a really good soccer player; gave me a run for my money. Do you mind if I join you?"

Surprised, Maura said, "Not at all."

"Great, let's go." Jane's hand settled for a second on Maura's elbow, gently propelling her along the path towards the dining hall.

They walked in silence for a minute, Maura feeling at a loss for words. Jane seemed content with the silence, but Maura was unsettled, questions she couldn't ask pressing at the surface of her mind. _Why do you like me? How long are you going to continue wanting to spend time with me before I start boring you? What does it mean when you reach out and touch me like that? _

She pushed them aside and settled on a more acceptable question. Friends talked to each other about romantic interests and dating, right? It was a topic girls in books discussed, as did her former classmates.

She broke the silence. "Are you and…" She hesitated a moment before venturing out and trying the unfamiliar-feeling use of a peer's surname. "Are you and Frost going with each other?" She felt a tug at the pit of her stomach as she waited for confirmation.

It didn't come. "Going with each other wher- _oh_." Comprehension dawned in Jane's eyes, and Maura thought she saw an inexplicable sadness reflected there that matched her own. "You're asking if Frost and I are dating? No, no, we're just friends. Why?"

"I just wondered." Maura tried to justify her interest behind loosely related facts. "Many people begin dating soon after they arrive at college. Being in an entirely new environment and leaving friends and family behind for the first time can be stressful. A lot of freshmen find the security of a relationship appealing as they try to navigate all the unfamiliar experiences they're finding themselves facing. It's natural to develop attachments and to desire the companionship of a partner during a time when a lot of other things are chaotic."

"It's not _that_ chaotic here." Jane hooked her arm through Maura's. "Besides, I don't need a boyfriend. I've got you." She smiled down at Maura. "Frost is cool though. You should come hang out with us sometime. We've been…"

She kept talking, but Maura lost focus on the words. Jane's voice saying _I've got you_ kept replaying in her head. She closed her eyes, envisioning Jane's smile, and allowed herself to be guided by Jane's arm, still firmly in place around hers.

_My mother is wrong. My mother is wrong about Jane, about me, about our friendship. This is real, and I will not let her or anything else ruin it. I may not have much- any- experience at navigating friendships, but I've had a perfect example my whole life of what not to do. As long as I can make sure I'm not like my mother- not needy, not so emotional, not clingy- I can make everything work out. _


	10. Chapter 10

Jane leaned back in her desk chair, running her hands through her tangled hair and groaning softly. She'd been trying to read her Political Theory textbook for the better part of an hour, but she kept getting distracted by Lydia. Her roommate was reclining on their couch, listening to pop music softly and flipping through a fashion magazine. Jane could have guessed without any help just what kind of magazine it was, but Lydia also felt the need to squeal and exclaim every few minutes over something she was looking at. She'd even brought the magazine to Jane to show her one model she was particularly entranced by.

While Jane was still stretching out over the back of her chair, dreading getting back to work, she heard a key in their lock, and saw Riley enter. Her roommate had barely been in the room since school started, except to sleep- Jane wished she could say the same for Lydia- but she gave the impression of being nice enough.

Riley wandered in, dropping her purse and an armful of books on her desk. "Hey guys." She fished through her bag for an agenda book, and flipped through it.

"Hey," Lydia responded, waggling her fingers in Riley's direction without looking up from her magazine.

"How's it going?" Jane asked.

"Uh, good." Riley was distracted, now unfolding and studying campus map she'd taken from her desk drawer. "Hey, do either of you guys know where the Emerson building is?"

_Emerson, that was familiar. Which one…?_ Placing it as the location of her Economics section meeting, Jane spoke up. "Yeah, it's the building right past the Science Center." She frowned. "You don't have class now, do you? It's almost 9pm."

"No, it's a club meeting. BGLTSA, the queer social and political alliance. I've gotta get going- the meeting starts in 15 minutes. Either of you wanna come?"

Lydia finally looked up. "Nah, I'm not a lesbian. I like boys too much." She giggled and held up her magazine, flashing an image of a buff, half-dressed man. "Isn't he hot?" she asked dreamily.

Riley and Jane made matching grimaces at Lydia's taste. Riley spoke up. "You don't have to be gay to go- the 'S' part of the name stands for 'Supporter'. But if you'd rather swoon over your imaginary boys instead of meeting real people, whatever." She shrugged, turning to Jane as she gathered her belongings and started making her way to the door. "How about you, Jane?"

Seeing Jane's eyes trail over to her open textbook, Riley enticed, "There'll be pizza- c'mon, get out of the room for a while."

Jane closed the books. She might as well join Riley- she wasn't going to accomplish anything else right now anyway. Plus, free food _was_ appealing.

"Sure, why not?" She left her desk behind and followed Riley out of the room.

* * *

The meeting was a lot bigger than Jane had expected, and more of a social gathering than a meeting. She and Riley had slipped into the room a few minutes late, and stood at the back of the crowded room while two guys- some sort of leaders in the club, Jane surmised- finished up a short introductory and welcome speech. When they sat down, the meeting had turned to mingling, and Riley had promptly ditched her to go speak to someone she recognized from class.

Jane shifted uncomfortably in place. She wasn't really in the mood to make small talk. She scanned the room for the food table, thinking she'd grab a soda and a slice of pizza, then head back to the dorm without waiting for Riley.

She spotted the table and started making her way across the room through the students. As she got closer, she noticed a girl standing on the periphery of the room, small plate of vegetable sticks in hand, looking lost and alone in the crowd. Maura. Well, this was a surprise.

Jane changed her course and headed towards Maura. She glowed internally at the way Maura's eyes lit up when she caught sight of Jane approaching her, and wondered if it should make her feel so good that Maura reacted to her that way- it meant that Jane was doing something right, not just intruding on some girl who was way out of her class- but it also meant that Maura must spend a lot of her time uncomfortable and lonely, if even the simple act of not being ignored as she stood by herself came as such a relief. Jane was momentarily annoyed that no one else in the room had bothered to acknowledge Maura or invite her into a conversation. She tried to shrug it off. _Whatever. It's their loss._

"Hey," she said, greeting Maura with a hug. Jane lingered with her arms wrapped around her protectively, hoping to convey her appreciation of Maura's presence. Maura deserved to know that it made Jane just as happy to see her as she had been to see Jane.

She released Maura abruptly, it suddenly occurring to her that the hug might be awkward in the context of a meeting about sexuality. _What if she's here trying to meet girls, and I've just interfered with her chances?_ She tried to brush off the physical encounter with a clumsy attempt at small talk. "So, how's the food?" _Ugh, dumb. She's eating some carrot sticks and celery, how good or bad could they possibly be? _

Given Maura's seemingly endless wealth of knowledge about every subject ever, it shouldn't have come as a surprise to Jane that her friend did indeed have a great deal to say about the selection of raw vegetables. Her commentary included facts about local farms and organic options. Jane tuned her out, too distracted by her curiosity over Maura's presence at the meeting.

_I wonder if she's gay or just a supporter. She seems so...feminine. Not like Riley or most of the other girls here. Maybe she also came with her roommate and got ditched for a cute girl._ She craned her neck around the room, looking to see if she could spot Susie.

"Are you looking for someone?" Maura's voice piped up from beside her.

"What? Oh, just...checking to see where my roommate went," Jane lied. "I came with her and she wandered off and left me alone- well, alone before I ran into you." _Maybe she'll follow suit and tell me how she ended up here._

But she didn't. Maura just nodded in silence, looking a little disappointed. _Shit, maybe she thinks I'm looking for a way to get away from her._ Jane hastily clarified, "I just wanted to see how she and her new friend were getting along. It's no big deal." She turned her full attention to Maura, who blushed under her gaze and looked down, picking at the carrots on her plate. Jane watched, transfixed, as she lifted one to her mouth and bit down.

She tried to ignore the way her heart was thudding in her chest, and dragged her own gaze away from Maura, settling it deliberately just beyond her friend. She felt fidgety, and noticed her hand drift to her hair, tugging and twisting at the ends. The question she'd been hoping Maura would reveal on her own came bubbling out. "So. Why are you here?"

Maura finished chewing. "Why am I here?" she echoed. "There's a meeting."

_Is she avoiding the question?_ Jane wondered. She studied the quizzical look on Maura's face. _Nope,_ she decided. _I think she really just is that literal._

She tried again, leading. "Is your interest in the meeting personal?"

Maura cocked her head, considering the question. "Yes, I suppose it would qualify as a personal interest."

_God, it's like pulling teeth. _She tried to figure out how to rephrase the question so Maura would understand what she was asking. "Are you a lesbian?" seemed too straightforward, even for Jane. A little voice drifted into her head. _Why do I even need to know? Who she's attracted to is none of my business. _She shoved it aside, justifying her continuing attempt to find out the answer. _Whatever. She's my friend. I'm allowed to be curious about her life. _She pressed on.

"And does that personal interest involve your own...interest in girls, or are you interested on someone else's behalf? Or does it just, y'know, interest you generally, like as a social phenomenon, or- " Jane cut herself off, wanting to take her fumbling speech and weird questions and go hide under a rock, out of Maura's sight.

"You're asking if my interest is in sexuality in general, or my own sexuality?" Maura's eyes opened questioningly.

Not just under a rock; Jane longed for an entire mountain to bury herself under.

"Um, I guess," she mumbled.

"I suppose I'm interested from multiple perspectives." Maura paused in contemplation, then launched into one of her characteristic speeches. "On a personal level, I have the capacity to be attracted to both males and females, so the meeting is of interest to me in that I have sexuality in common with a good deal of the attendees. There's also the political aspect- I've read that the queer society at BCU is quite heavily involved in promoting activism and awareness of LGBT issues, both on and off campus. I feel it's important for me to participate in advocating for social justice and equality, and this group is one opportunity to be part of that during my time here. Additionally, as you referenced, differences is sexuality and sexual expression thereof is a fascinating social phenomenon."

_Please, let her stop there,_ Jane silently prayed. _Do not let her start talking about the details of sexuality and sexual expression. _She had her answer, and whether it was worth having to listen to a talk about sexuality was becoming rapidly less likely as Jane's discomfort with the topic grew.

Maura continued, clearly absorbed in the subject and oblivious to Jane's growing unease. "As a society, we're becoming more familiar with several of the most-often discussed minority sexualities, homosexuality and bisexuality. As knowledge and acceptance of those is growing, there seems to be a trend towards exploring more finely-tuned labels for sexuality and sexual behavior, and even rejection of labels for sexuality and gender altogether. More attention is also being paid to the intriguing differences in how people's experience of romantic attractions overlaps with their experience of physical attractions; the fluidity of sexuality over time; the scientific questions of whether sexual orientation, gender, and sexual behavior are issues of nativism or empiricism; the spectrum between sexual repression and sexual openness- "

"Ok!" Jane held up a hand, squirming in her skin, unable to take the discussion any longer. "That was fascinating, Maura, thank you." _How can she be so quiet and awkward most of the time, and still bust out with this speech about sexual repression and physical attraction and all that stuff? _

"You're welcome." Maura smiled brightly. Jane grinned weakly back at her, not wanting to reveal the extent of her embarrassment.

There was a lull in the conversation as Jane tried to recover her composure. She caught Riley looking their way, and was about to ask Maura if she wanted to meet her roommate- Jane had met Susie, after all- when Maura spoke briskly. "Well, I should be getting home now. It's late, and I still have work I'd like to get done." Jane was ready to say that she'd walk Maura back to Walden when Maura continued, effectively dismissing her, "You should go take this opportunity to talk to some of the other people here. I've monopolized your attention long enough for one evening. Good night."

Jane wanted to protest that Maura hadn't monopolized anything- she'd wanted to hang out with her, had vastly preferred her company to going off and making small talk with strangers- but Maura was already walking off, leaving Jane to lamely call out, 'Good night!' after her retreating form. She stood in bewilderment at the sudden departure, wondering if she should go after Maura. Had she said something to upset or offend her?

Riley appeared at her side before she could decide on a course of action. "Seems like things are winding down here- you about ready to leave?" she asked Jane.

"Uh, yeah, sure," Jane said distractedly. Riley paused on their way to the door to say goodbye and give a quick peck on the cheek to her friend, and then she and Jane emerged into the warm night's air.

Jane was still replaying Maura's sudden departure when Riley nudged her with her shoulder. "Sooooo, your friend's pretty cute, huh?"

Irritation cut through Jane, bringing her sharply into the present moment. _So Riley's interested in Maura? The girl she spent all evening talking to wasn't enough, she's gotta take my friend too?_ Her anger felt irrational, and it bothered her. She tried to shake it off and keep her voice natural. "I guess I could introduce you sometime. If you wanted to ask her out or something." The words tasted bitter in her mouth.

Riley rolled her eyes. "No, dumbass, not for me, for _you_. I saw you flirting with her."

Jane gaped into the darkness. _I was...what? _"But I don't...I wasn't..._flirting_ with her!" she squawked.

That earned her a smirk and a swat from Riley. "Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. I know chemistry when I see it."

Jane opened her mouth to protest, then slowly closed it again. _Damn it. Is she right? Have I been flirting with Maura?_

Jane had never given any real thought to the possibility that she might find herself attracted to a girl. She hadn't given much thought to her sexuality or sexual feelings, period. There'd been a handful of crushes over the years, sure- on boys- but they'd never developed into anything stronger than a passing interest. She'd always remained a bit on the outside when her female friends discussed their boyfriends or love interests. She'd been aware of the disconnect between feelings she'd experienced herself and the ones they'd described, but it had never bothered her. She figured she'd understand someday when she met the right guy, and until then, she'd been perfectly content to avoid thinking about the subject altogether. Unlike Maura, who could probably write a book about human sexuality and exactly where she fit into it.

_So is that...is that what these feelings are, when I'm around her? Attraction? _She thought of the little half-smiles Maura gave when she was shy and uncertain about something, and the beaming grins that took over her face when she was too delighted to hide her pleasure. How Jane kept trying to earn those smiles, and the way they warmed her inside when she did. How she always wanted to be around Maura, sitting close to her. Thinking about her when she wasn't around. The way her hands reached out practically of their own accord, seeking the little touches and the simultaneous comfort and exhilaration that came from her contact points with Maura's body.

Jane had a sudden vision of leaning in, cupping Maura's face gently in her hand and kissing her. She felt all her blood rush to her head at the image, the accompanying realization staggering her. _Holy shit. Holy shit. _

The truth of her feelings towards Maura hit her as a strange mix of completely foreign and head-smackingly obvious. _So this is what it feels like, falling for someone. For Maura._

She didn't realize that she had actually stopped in her tracks until she heard, "Jane. Are you ok?" Riley was standing in front of her, facing her, peering cautiously into Jane's face.

Jane shook her head to wave off the concern and brushed past Riley. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." Her energy converted itself into a powerful and quick stride that could almost keep pace with her thoughts. _I'm fine, right? I'm falling in love with my friend- with my female friend- and that's FINE, it's all FINE. _She realized she was gesticulating along with the conversation happening in her head and made a deliberate effort to relax, to come down before she worked herself into a frenzy.

She took a couple of deep breaths, and her forced calm settled into a genuine composure. Her conviction in the next thoughts that came to her was absolute. _It IS fine. She's not some girl. She's Maura. _The little ache of pleasure in her chest that she'd been feeling whenever she saw or thought of Maura confirmed it.

_At least, it will be fine if-_

She looked over at Riley, who was keeping a wary distance as she walked alongside Jane. "You said you know chemistry when you see it- does that mean...that's what you saw between me and Maura? Not just me flirting with her, but…" She hoped that Riley would understand what she was asking.

She could see the immediate shift from apprehension to relief on Riley's face. "Yeah, of course! Oh my god, the way her eyes closed when you were hugging her? And the way she put that carrot stick in her mouth- she knew what she was doing, and you couldn't take your eyes off of her. Total chemistry. Is that what you're worried about? That she doesn't like you? Geez, I thought I pissed you off, assuming you were gay. You don't have anything to worry about. Trust me, she likes you."

The assumption about her sexuality slid right past Jane. Her heart was swelling too much at Riley's assertion that Maura returned Jane's feelings. She closed her eyes, savoring the memory of how Maura's face had lit up when she'd caught sight of Jane earlier that evening, the way she'd felt wrapped up in Jane's arms- how she'd been stiff for the briefest second, then had relaxed into the hug.

But another memory crept in, dampening Jane's rush. Maura, walking off on her not fifteen minutes before, not even giving Jane the chance to say goodbye. What had that been all about? Had Jane somehow managed to ruin everything, before it even really started? The idea stung at her, and she fervently hoped it wasn't true. Now that her understanding of her feelings was just beginning to fall into place, she couldn't stand the idea of not getting the chance to explore them. She pushed her doubts aside and let herself float through the rest of their walk home, unable to keep a goofy grin off her face as she looked forward to the next time she'd see Maura.


	11. Chapter 11

Maura found her gaze drawn once again up and away from the Molecular Cell Biology textbook in her lap, and over to the figure sitting cross-legged on the rug in front of her, bent over her own textbook. Maura kept her head down so that it wouldn't be as obvious that she was studying her friend rather than her coursework, and allowed her eyes to run over Jane. Her long dark hair hung in messy waves down over her book, blocking parts of her face from view, but Maura could make out her lips moving ever so slightly as she read, and her furrowed brow. She looked so intense in her concentration, so strong, that Maura couldn't help just watching her, indulging herself in the chance to look over every part of Jane, taking in all the details that she couldn't pay sufficient attention to the rest of the time, when her observations wouldn't go unnoticed.

_She really is exquisite._

It went far beyond her physical form though- Jane herself was exquisite. No one had ever made Maura feel so...wanted. Every time she was in Jane's presence, everything about Jane's interactions with her made her feel included, appreciated. Noticed. Especially tonight.

Now, for the first time since she was a child and had gone on a handful of organized playdates, Maura had found herself invited over to a friend's place. She, Frost, and Jane were all sitting around Frost's common room- Frost at his desk, Maura on the couch, and Jane, who had begun the evening on the couch, then moved restlessly around the room, shifting positions and locations every so often, eventually settling in her current position on the floor.

Several hours prior, Maura had been checking over her completed chemistry problem set in her room when she'd heard a knock on the door. She'd answered it, expecting that Susie, who had left just moments before, had returned, having realized she'd left something behind. She'd been taken aback to see Jane and Frost standing in the hallway instead, and her first thought was that something must be wrong.

However, it turned out that there was no emergency; they'd stopped at her room on their way back from the athletic complex across the river to invite her up to Frost's room to hang out and study with them. Maura had found herself speechless for a few seconds before she'd thanked them and accepted. She was touched that they had made a deliberate effort to stop and invite her- it wasn't like the pattern she'd established with Jane, where they walked back from class together because they were headed in the same direction, or the instances when she'd run into Jane when they happened to be in the same part of campus at the same time. This time, there was no room for questioning whether Jane really wanted to spend time with her or whether chance forced her hand, and knowing that made Maura feel special.

And so Maura now found herself secretly watching Jane, watching the person who had given her the gift of this very typical college student evening. Jane was fidgeting again, her knee bouncing and her hands fussing with the pencil she held. Eventually she dropped the pencil, and began rubbing at her eyes with the heels of her hands. Groaning loudly, she interrupted the quiet in the room. "I can't take this any more. My eyes are burning out of my head. We've been reading _forever_!"

Maura checked the clock on Frost's desk. 11:37. Maybe Jane just needed a dose of logic to help her settle down and focus; reminding herself of the facts often helped Maura when she was trying to make herself do something she wasn't particularly keen on. "We've only been studying for two and a half hours, Jane. That's hardly forever. And you haven't actually been reading for that whole time- you've been moving around the room and doodling in your notebook and tugging at your hair and sighing."

"Yeah, well you're not Miss One Hundred Percent Focused on Her Textbooks yourself if you've been looking at me enough to see me do all these things." Jane crossed her arms like a petulant child.

Maura looked down at her lap, embarrassed that Jane now knew Maura had been watching her. _Should I apologize?_ She looked up to gauge whether Jane was annoyed, but realized her friend was looking up from the floor and smirking at her. _She's not actually mad then- I suppose it was a joke? Would the correct response be to keep the joke up, say something that suggests that I'm annoyed even though I'm not? _

Maura ventured out on a limb, trying to make her tone sound mildly bothered. "I can't help it that you're distracting. It's like studying with a squirmy six year old." She turned, startled, to look at Frost at his desk as he guffawed. _I suppose my joke was funny then. _The straight face she'd been keeping dissolved a bit as the corners of her mouth twitched upwards.

Jane dropped her jaw open and tilted her head down slightly, looking at Maura out of the tops of her eyes. "Maura!" she gasped in mock affrontation.

Maura had to bite the insides of her cheeks to keep a straight face. What she wanted to do was allow herself to smile at Jane as widely as she felt on the inside, which often seemed to prompt Jane to come over and hug her, but she wasn't sure if letting herself smile would ruin the joke.

Jane jumped up. "All right. This squirmy six year old is hungry. Since I'm so distracting that no one can work anyway, I propose a walk into town for ice cream. Who's in?"

Now it was Maura's turn to gape, but not in jest. "It's almost midnight! We can't go out for ice cream at this time of night!"

"It's ok, the stores stay open until at least 1 or 2 am," Frost chimed in.

"Yeah, we're in college, we can do whatever we want," Jane enticed.

Maura wavered. "I don't know…"

"C'mon!" Jane walked over to Maura and stood directly in front of her. She leaned down, looking into Maura's eyes, issuing a lighthearted challenge as she closed the textbook on Maura's lap and removed it, setting it aside on the couch. She stayed in position, and Maura wasn't sure how she was supposed to react at Jane's presence looming so closely over her. She couldn't think.

Jane grabbed her hands and tugged her up to standing. She held on for an extra few seconds after Maura was securely upright as she turned over her shoulder to Frost. "Maura's pre-med. And totally brilliant and dedicated to her work. But even future doctors need ice cream study breaks sometimes, right?" Maura felt Jane give her hands a little squeeze before she let go.

Frost nodded seriously. "Pre-med, huh? Well, Jane's right. Let this be one of your medical lessons- you should always try ice cream as the first cure for distraction. C'mon Doc, Rizzoli." He gestured at Maura and Jane in turn. "Let's go."

As they headed for the door, Maura felt herself flush with pleasure. _Doc._ She'd never been called anything but 'Maura' before, except by her mother. The nickname made her feel like they really thought of her as a member of their group, like she was one of them. In the past, her feelings of success and worthiness came from standing out via her accomplishments- but now she was getting the same feeling, only infinitely better, from finally being part of the crowd. Her doubts about their midnight escapade had faded- if this was what college students did with their friends, she was delighted to be a part of it.

* * *

Half an hour later, Jane, Frost, and Maura left the ice cream shop and began the walk through town back towards the dorms. It felt much more exhilarating than Maura had expected, the simple act of being out in the middle of the night with friends. The streets were surprisingly busy for a Tuesday night, with students roaming around, a handful of locals smoking outside the bars, and lumpy sleeping bags and piles of blankets that Maura realized, startled, were homeless people sleeping on benches and in alcoves.

As she savored the experience of feeling like a normal teenager for once, Maura took a spoonful of her frozen yogurt- Frost and Jane hadn't been able to talk her into getting real ice cream; the excess saturated fat was unnecessary, but she'd had a lick of Jane's vanilla cone, mostly because of the pleasure she'd felt at the offer. The rich taste almost made her regret her healthier alternative. She closed her eyes for a few steps, lingering with the spoon in her mouth, enjoying the chatter of Frost and Jane walking on either side of her.

Her eyes flew open at the sound of rapidly thudding footsteps approaching the trio. A man dressed sloppily in a plaid shirt, vest, cargo pants, and a watch cap ran out of the subway station and straight up to them. They stopped, guarded at the sudden approach, Jane and Frost each taking a half step protectively in front of Maura. Maura looked around uncertainly, her pulse racing. Were they going to be robbed? Assaulted? Were her instincts right in not wanting to go out so late at night?

The man gave them a charming smile and addressed Jane, ignoring Frost and Maura completely. "Heyyyyyy, Vanilla! How 'bout givin' Rondo a little taste of that ice cream there?"

He had left a respectful distance between himself and Jane, and Maura saw Frost and Jane each visibly relax. She felt her heartbeat slow. She probably should be more concerned that a homeless man had just run up to them on the streets, but if her friends didn't interpret the man as a threat, Maura felt secure in their judgment.

Jane gave the man a withering look, and he put his hands, clad in fingerless gloves, up in concession.

"You keep your ice cream. I got me all the feasting I need right here for my eyes." He formed the fingers of his right hand into a V and pointed at his eyes, nodding and smiling. "Damn, you're lookin' fiiiiiiiine, Vanilla!" He raised his eyebrows suggestively. "You wanna get out of here with Rondo?" He offered his arm out to Jane.

Maura's eyes opened wide at the insinuation. _Is he serious? Surely this man is taking it too far._ She looked to Jane for her reaction. Would she be offended? Scared? How could she tell whether he was actually harmless?

Jane just gave a light shove to the proffered arm. "Oh, knock it off, Rondo." She frowned, trying to project exasperation, but as she turned her head away from him, Maura could see the amusement playing across her face.

Frost stepped forward. "Ok, that's enough, move along, Casanova."

Rondo retreated a step. "All right, all right. But you get lonely, Vanilla, you know where to find Rondo." He gave another toothy grin and an exaggerated bow, and ambled back off into the darkness.

Jane rolled her eyes and tried to hide her grin behind one hand as the three of them continued on their way back to the campus yard. Maura watched her out of the corner of her eye as they walked. _She's a good judge of character, to have been able to read him like that so quickly, and realize he didn't pose any danger. And it's sweet, how she softened around him once she knew his comments were good-natured. _

Jane turned, seeming to sense Maura studying her. She shrugged in explanation. "I hope he didn't make you nervous. Frost and I have run into him out here before. He comes off a little strong, but he's harmless."

Maura nodded. She could feel Jane's arm swinging along with the rhythm of her gait, not far from Maura's own. Something in her wanted to reach out and take Jane's hand, in the easy, affectionate way Jane initiated contact with her. It felt for a moment like her hand might actually do it, might seek out Jane's and intertwine with it, but her brain caught up to her instincts. Her arm tensed by her side, and her fingers curled into a fist, her nails digging into her palm. She wanted to, but she couldn't. _It would probably be ok,_ she tried to tell herself, _She's held your hand before. She's not averse to physical contact. Go ahead. Do it._ She couldn't get her hand to move.

And then they were arriving at the door of Walden, and Frost was holding it open, and she was being ushered through in front of Jane, and the chance was lost. A nostalgic sadness settled over Maura as they climbed the stairs and approached her floor, knowing that the wonderful evening was over.

They reached the third floor and Maura stepped out of the stairwell, ready to say goodnight to Jane and Frost as they continued up to their rooms on the fourth floor. To her surprise, they both stopped there with her.

Frost spoke up first. "Night Doc. I'm glad you came out with us. See you tomorrow Jane- we're still walking over to practice after Econ, right?"

"Yup, sounds good," Jane agreed.

Frost turned and jogged up the stairs, and Maura waited for Jane to follow him. Instead, Jane stepped out of the stairwell and joined Maura outside her door.

Maura's hand hesitated on the doorknob. Was she supposed to invite Jane in? It was so late, wouldn't it be odd to ask her in at this time of night? But what was she waiting for? Her thoughts dissolved into an incoherence as Jane took a step closer to her, closing the distance between them to only six or so inches. Maura looked up to see Jane's eyes on her lips, and Maura's breath caught in her throat. _Is she about to-_

"Well, goodnight." Jane leaned in abruptly, giving Maura a quick hug, then taking a large step backwards towards the stairs. She backed into the door frame, stumbled slightly, caught herself, and turned to head up.

"Goodnight!" Maura called softly after her. Her breathing was still rapid and shallow, and she leaned against her own door, taking a moment to recover. _Oh my goodness. I think- I think she was planning on kissing me. And- I wanted her to. I can't believe it didn't occur to me before that my affinity for her goes beyond friendship. _She put a hand to her forehead, rubbing at her temples. _Well, this certainly complicates things. What if the feelings make things too uncomfortable? What if she's embarrassed and doesn't want to talk to me anymore? What if- what if I lose her over this? What if- _

She sighed. Torturing herself with the endless possibilities was pointless, she knew that. She let herself quietly into her room, stepping lightly through Susie's room so as not to wake her up, and got ready for bed. The rest of the night was spent in restless sleep, with Maura alternately worrying over the possible negative outcomes, and giddy with delight at the world of potential positive ones.


	12. Chapter 12

_It's just another study date. You don't have to look special._ Jane stared into her closet, frustrated, though she wasn't sure if it was more with herself, or with her lack of clothes that weren't wrinkled, old, or athletic gear. _Oh, fuck it. You're never going to look half as put-together as she does._ She grabbed a pair of jeans and a tank top. _I'm too big of a chicken to make anything happen anyway._

It had been almost a week since she'd nearly kissed Maura while saying goodnight after they'd gone for ice cream. Almost a week that she'd been kicking herself for not taking the risk. Maura probably thought she was weird. Or a coward. Or both. Since then she'd only seen her friend during classes, and Maura hadn't acted differently or said anything to Jane about it, but how many times can you lean in to kiss someone and break away at the last second? She'd had her chance, and she'd blown it.

Jane blew her hair out of her face in frustration. She should consider herself lucky that Maura had agreed to hang out with her tonight at all, and not push her luck by thinking maybe- _maybe_- it was sort of like a date. _No,_ she chided herself. _It's STUDYING. You have your first Italian exam- your first BCU exam, period- tomorrow, and she's taken pity on you and agreed to help you prepare. Don't fool yourself into thinking it's more than it is._

She made a face at herself in the mirror. _Get a grip, Rizzoli. Focus. If you don't get your head out of the clouds, you might lose your friend and fail your first exam all in one fell swoop. Focus._

Jane straightened and set her jaw, gathered up her books, and headed down the flight of stairs to meet Maura.

* * *

When her knock on Maura's door was answered by Susie, Jane's stomach sank. Even if it was just studying, she couldn't help wanting Maura all to herself. She tried to keep her voice from revealing her disappointment. "Hi, Susie."

The girl dipped her head back at Jane, looking at the floor instead of making eye contact. "Jane." She didn't make any movement away from the door.

_Is she going to let me in? Is Maura even home? Is she standing me up or something? _Jane cleared her throat into the uncomfortable silence. "Uh, Susie, is Maura here?"

Susie nodded slowly, finally meeting Jane's gaze, and Jane could swear she saw flash of resentment there. Jane drew her head back slightly into her shoulders, taken aback, unsure what she'd done wrong. As she was wondering how many more questions it would take before Susie would actually let her into the room- what did she want, government issued photo ID? A DNA sample?- Maura's bedroom door opened and she walked into the room. Susie finally left her position guarding the door and went to stand by Maura's side. She explained, rather needlessly, "Jane's here to see you."

"Thank you, Susie." Maura turned to Jane, who had taken a few steps into the room, figuring she should solidify her presence there before Susie blocked her path again. "You're early, Jane. I wasn't expecting you for another ten minutes."

"I'm sorry, I guess I just wanted to get as much studying done as possible." _I got restless and wanted to see you sooner._

Maura looked down and flushed as though Jane had really vocalized her thoughts. "Please, come in." She lead the way into her bedroom, Jane trailing behind her, grateful to get away from the stilted awkwardness she felt in Susie's presence.

Jane relaxed as Maura closed the door gently behind them. As much as she might have worried about the evening as she was anticipating it, the truth was, she was more comfortable when she was actually around Maura than when she was alone and worrying about how it might go. She dropped herself down onto Maura's bed. Slipping off her shoes and pulling her legs up under her, she addressed Maura, simultaneously gesturing to the open space next to her. "Ready?"

Maura stayed where she was and smirked cheekily. "Ready to study? I don't know; you'd better ask me in Italian so we can see if _you're_ ready.°

Jane folded her arms and tried to frown at Maura's demand, but she couldn't make herself actually look upset. "Ok, ok...sei pronto? No, damn it, it's an adjective, it needs to agree." She scrunched up her face. "Sei pronta?"

Maura gave her an approving nod and a smile. "Molto bene. And...sì. Sono pronta." Jane was warmed to note that this week, there was no indecisiveness on Maura's part about whether it was ok for her to join Jane on her bed. She simply walked over and settled down in her spot, to Jane's right, and began turning the pages of her own notebook.

Jane looked over at her, not bothering to hide the adoration in her eyes. _This is perfect. She is perfect. It doesn't even matter what else happens or doesn't happen, as long as I can have this. Her, just comfortable sitting next to me. _Maura looked up from her book, catching Jane's eye through the hair framing her face. Under the intensity of Jane's gaze, her eyes flicked away quickly, traveling down to the space between them on the bed. Her head remained dipped down, but she slowly and deliberately brought her eyes back to meet Jane's. Jane watched, mesmerized, as Maura bit her bottom lip, clearly holding back a smile. _She's happy. _Jane felt her her heart throb with pleasure at the notion.

Maura rose her eyebrows in question, and Jane realized that she should probably say something. _Words. Uhhh. _She inhaled deeply and flipped the pages of her notebook, trying to collect herself. "Ok. Bene. So...buon giorno, mia amica. Come stai?"

* * *

Several hours and many repetitions of their beginning Italian vocabulary later, Jane was exhausted. Trying to get her brain to think in another language was challenging, especially with the added struggle to focus on studying when she really wanted to ask Maura about herself, about her life, beyond the questions that she'd already heard answers to over and over, bound by the limitations of her Italian vocabulary. 'Where are you from?', 'What's your mother's name?', 'What's your favorite food?'- they could only get her so far when what she wanted to know was 'What were you like as a child?', 'What goes on in that brilliant brain of yours?', and 'What would you do if I reached out and held your hand?'.

When she had to ask Maura to repeat her most recent question for a third time, and she still couldn't think of the answer, she leaned her head back against the wall behind the bed. "Sono stanca."

Maura frowned at her. "I asked you what you liked to do in your free time, not how you're feeling. State-of-being expressions won't be covered on this exam; we've only gone over them cursorily with Anna."

Jane let her head loll to the side so she could see Maura. "No, Maura, sono stanca, I'm tired, for real. I need a break."

"Oh." Jane had closed her eyes, but she could feel Maura's gaze on hers. "Did you want to go for an ice cream break again?"

Jane cracked one eye open. "Nah, I'm too tired to want to go out. Can we just...rest here for a few minutes? My brain needs some time to recuperate. It's not as massive as your smarty-pants brain."

"First of all, Jane, you're underestimating your own intelligence. And secondly, the brain's size accounts for only a small percentage of the differences in level of intelligence or capability among humans. Research indicates that the brains of smarter individuals may be set apart somewhat by other physical factors such as processing speed along the neural pathways and the strength of the connection between the left prefrontal cortex and the rest of the brain. However, it seems that the environment and access to resources during the critical stages of development are actually what contributes most significantly to the observable differences…"

As Maura was speaking, Jane felt herself drifting, lulled by the tone Maura's voice took on as she was lecturing. She slouched further down onto Maura's bed and put a hand up in front to block out the glare of the overhead light. She was so nice and comfortable, and she could just listen to Maura's voice without having to process what she was saying…

The voice stopped and Jane mumbled, "Mmmhmm," assuming she'd been asked a question, but not having any idea what it might be.

The bed moved under her as she felt Maura get up and off of it. Some of the warm feeling in Jane diminished. "No, where're you going? I'm still listening." Her hand wandered away from her eyes and reached absently in the direction Maura had gone, groping at the now-empty space beside her.

She felt fingers rest fleetingly on her hand, the touch hesitant and quickly retracted. Maura's voice, soft, moving away from her. "It's ok. I was just going to change light sources so you don't have to cover your eyes." The click of a switch being flicked. "In addition to simply being brighter, many people with eye sensitivities find flourescent lights bothersome for other reasons. You may be sensing the rapid flickering that comes as the energy source fluctuates, or your eyes may be particularly susceptible to the UV light emissions, neither of which are issues with incandescent bulbs." The affront to Jane's eyes eased as Maura turned off the overhead light and the glare was replaced by a soft glow from the direction of Maura's desk, dampened further by a lamp shade.

"Mmm, thank you." The wainscoting was digging into Jane's back, the last vestige of discomfort, and she slid sideways down the wall, coming to rest on her side with her head on Maura's pillow. She drew her legs in and lay backed up against the wall. She spoke up, eyes still closed, her filter lowered in the tranquility of sleepiness. "Maura?"

She felt Maura sit on the edge of the bed next to her. "Yes?"

"Would you really have gone out for ice cream with me again? If that's what I wanted to do?"

"Of course."

"Really? It's just that…" _Last time I almost kissed you._ "...last time we ran into that guy, the one who called me 'Vanilla', and it seemed like you were a little nervous, and it's not like you were that big on the idea in the first place…"

Before answering, Maura eased herself down, slowly bringing her back to rest on the bed next to Jane, preserving a space between them. "I was nervous, at first. About the whole thing. But I trust your judgment, and I could tell that you felt secure. It made me feel safe as well."

The comment, coupled with the closeness of Maura's body next to hers, sent an ache through Jane. "I'm glad," she whispered.

A silence settled over them, and Jane faded further into a contented sleepiness. _I should get up, go to my own room._ She could hear Maura's breathing slow. _But if she's asleep, I don't want to disturb her. _Jane dragged her eyes open and checked on Maura, whose own eyes were fluttering in extended blinks, as if she were struggling to stave off sleep.

_God, she's so…_Her mind was too relaxed to come up with words, and she didn't really need to articulate the feelings that were washing over her, pulling her towards Maura. Jane didn't process what she was doing until she was already reaching out, and by then, she didn't want to stop herself or let her insecurities ruin what felt natural. Her left hand slipped across Maura's waist, coming to rest gently over her hipbone as she drew her body in closer into Maura's. Jane felt her breathing stop as her thumb ran lightly over the skin it had landed on under the hem of Maura's shirt.

The second it took for Maura to respond left Jane feeling like she was spending an eternity in limbo. Then Maura gave a soft sigh, letting her eyes fully close and relaxing her upper body into Jane's. Her right hand drifted up to settle over Jane's wrist.

Jane felt like she might be floating, anchored only at the points where she was in contact with Maura's body. The way the little sigh Maura had let out was so sweet and sleepy and content overwhelmed Jane and she could feel herself tremble slightly. Her eyes opened beneath heavy lids, just enough for her to make out Maura's face on the pillow beside hers. She leaned further in towards Maura and placed a gentle kiss on her temple, then settled back, eyes searching for Maura's reaction.

Jane saw the smile first, the slight upturn to Maura's lips. Maura then turned her head in Jane's direction, her eyes seeking out Jane's.

There was no hesitation this time, no indecisive move that Jane might talk herself out of at the last second. She propped herself up on her right elbow and leaned in to kiss Maura for real, astonishing herself at how good someone else's lips could feel against hers. And even more astonished that Maura reciprocated, the hand that she had draped over Jane's wrist tightening its grip as she responded to the kiss.

Jane lowered herself down further into her elbow, letting the length of her body press gently down into Maura's. It almost hurt, how it felt to be lying with Maura like this. She explored Maura's mouth cautiously and lightly with her tongue, and her free hand traveled soft caresses up Maura's side, eventually cupping her jaw, just as she'd imagined when she'd first thought of kissing her friend.

Jane drew herself back, just enough so she could see Maura's face. She traced the jawline with her thumb, her other fingers playing gently at the roots of Maura's hair where they began at the back of her neck. She took in every feature of Maura's face before meeting her eyes, where she was pleased to see a sleepy, unguarded contentedness that matched her own. Her heart swelled.

She touched her lips down again, this time to the center of Maura's forehead. Then she eased herself down on the bed, her arm wrapping itself firmly around Maura and drawing her in against Jane. Maura wriggled further into the embrace, bringing her back to press up against Jane's front. As she fell into a comfortable sleep with Maura tucked up against her, their exam the following day inched its way into Jane's mind, only to be dismissed immediately. _I don't care if I shouldn't be up late the night before a test. I don't care if I should have studied a little bit more. This- this is more than worth it._ She fell asleep with a smile still on her face.


	13. Chapter 13

_It is the lunch hour, and my colleagues are all taking their breaks in the lounge. I can hear the buzz of idle conversation, the hum of the coffee machine at work._

_There are no emergencies in the laboratory of a university health department, no rushes, no need for anyone to work through their break. There is no risk that anyone will be in the office as I wander casually past the staff bathroom and continue into the work area._

_But still. I do not leave things up to chance. I take no gambles, not when they can be so easily circumvented. Not when they can offer another chance to test the loyalty and acumen of my apprentice. John Stark leaves the lounge first, pretending to take a call from his girlfriend in the hall. If he says her name, I will know to cease my activities, put my plan aside for another day. _

_I pull on latex gloves and begin rifling through the physical records. R...Ri...my eyes close as my fingers land on it. Rizzoli, Jane. The papers in this file- she hasn't accumulated many yet; the immunization records and the documents from the sports physical she had before her official arrival- they speak in numbers, a code that I am familiar with. They tell me what she's like on the inside, what she's made of. They tell me things she may not even know about herself. _

_Blood type A negative. Five foot nine. One hundred and thirty-nine pounds. Blood pressure 110/65, pulse of 67 beats per minute. Onset of menstruation, age twelve. Family history of high cholesterol, although hers is within normal limits. _

_The last page of the physical is a record of her complete blood count, customary for athletes here. My colleague's name at the top- Catherine Cordell. I work my jaw, chewing on nothing, trying to rid my mouth of the taste of jealousy and missed opportunity. I, too, will have my chance to feel the warmth of her blood in my hands, unobstructed by a vial. I can wait. For now, the numbers will do. White Blood Cell Count: 4,700 cells per cubic millimeter. Red Blood Cell Count: 4.2 million cells/cmm. Hemoglobin: 11.5 grams/deciliter. Low, but not atypical for an athlete like Jane. The hematocrit percentage too, is slightly out of the usual range for females. The combination would usually suggest an iron deficiency- and indeed, her chart is flagged as 'anemic'- but I know my Jane, and I know her blood is strong, just like the rest of her. The results simply indicate dilutional pseudoanemia, a result of the increase in plasma volume after exercising._

_Four minutes have passed, and I should move on. I remove the immunization records from the file and replace the folder in its place in the cabinet. The immunization record gets folded carefully and tucked inside the inner pocket of my lab coat, along with the photos John Stark has captured of her on my orders. I know I should move on, but I take just a moment to pull them out and look them over. The edges are already worn. My Jane. Jane, sitting outside an academic building, nose in her textbook. Jane, fist raised in the air after scoring a point at a field hockey practice. Jane, walking in the night with an ice cream cone in hand, the street lamps illuminating the relaxed happiness on her face as she smiles at the blonde girl walking on one side of her, a black boy trailing slightly behind them. The adoration in her eyes both fascinates and disgusts me._

_What it will be like to see that love give way to terror when Jane sees me take this girl right in front of her eyes. When she begs for her friend's life, after I've broken Jane down in every other way. Taken her dignity, her confidence, her body. Then I will take her love, and last, I will take her blood, then her life. She will not beg for herself. I know her well enough already to be sure of this. She will fight, she will struggle- and my exhilaration will be all the more for it- but she will not beg. _

_My body shudders in anticipation. I put the photos reverently back in my pocket, and move on to the department head's computer terminal. I type in her password- her youngest boy's name and birth year. My lip curls. There is no satisfaction in duping people this simple-minded, this trusting, this predictable. _

_I click on the icon for the student medical records and wipe Jane's immunization history from here as well. I click notification- type- appointment request. I copy the student address and ID numbers from Jane's file, then my fingers type from memory the paragraph I have composed._

Ms. Rizzoli,

It has come to our attention that you are lacking several immunizations that are required for students in residence at Boston Cambridge University. You must receive your Hepatitis B and Meningococcal vaccines by the end of your first semester. If you do not, your grades will be withheld, and you will not be re-enrolled for the spring term. Immunization appointments are available on the second Monday of each month, between 12 and 1pm. Please contact me at 617-495-8077 to set up your appointment.

Regards,

John Stark  
Laboratory Administrator  
BCU University Health Services

_Print. I slide it into an official BCU Health Services envelope, and place it into the outgoing mailbox, where it falls out of sight amid the other notifications, awaiting the day's pickup._

_Back on the computer, I open the appointment system, select my own name from the drop-down list, and schedule my meeting with Jane. Having her call John Stark is merely a formality; I know which of the three possible dates she will choose. I know her class schedule by heart. Mondays at noon, she is in Italian class. She will not be able to make it until the second week of December, when classes no longer meet. Right before finals, stress runs high on campus. She will be at her most vulnerable when we have our first meeting, when I change the course of her life forever. _

_I have ten weeks to savor this image, to run it through my mind over and over until the real thing. Ten weeks to perfect the details of our first encounter._

_I type a second letter on BCU letterhead, this one informing her that an expected student yearly financial contribution of $10,000 will be due at the end of January, and her enrollment for second semester will be conditional on its timely receipt. I have done my research. Frank Rizzoli, plumber. Angela Rizzoli, housewife. This is money Jane does not have. This is a sum that this proud, independent girl will not ask her hardworking, lower class parents for. This is a burden she will carry on her own._

_I date this letter several weeks into the future, and do not put it in with the outgoing mail. Not yet._

_Games of chess can be won in as few as three or four moves, but where is the satisfaction in that? The opponent needs the chance to fight back, to think that maybe- maybe- they can still come out ahead, if they can just hold on a little bit longer. Victory tastes so much better when it is hard won, not a sudden blitzkrieg after an overwhelming onslaught._

_When I select an apprentice, early on, before I waste my time on someone with the wrong temperament, I play them in chess. I make moves that allow them the chance for a swift checkmate. I watch them. I make sure they take note of their opportunity...and elect to pass it up. I need to know that they're like me, that they're patient enough, sadistic enough, confident enough, to prolong the game, draw out their win._

_Breaking people down in stages is most satisfying. An opponent taken down too swiftly is a meaningless victory. My thrill comes from the fight, from watching the struggle, from proving my superiority. Having patience allows me to enjoy the journey more._

_And oh, how I will enjoy this one. _


End file.
